The World Through The Eyes Of A Blind Man

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

2008-12-22T10:45:00.000-05:00

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one small little bit, just a taste, and sip it.

Just to be on the safe side, since the quality of the tequila is so important, pour a cup and try again. When you are satisfied that it is just right, give it another sample for good measure and then you are ready.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. The fruit is moving. Stop moving…

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a hoot. Check the Jose Cuervo, very impotent step. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Over there. Waaaay over there.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat the turner thingy with the round-deelybob.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

World Peace?

2008-12-13T14:32:00.001-05:00

This topic has been on my mind for the past few weeks, I think it's time I get it off my chest. You hear it almost every time when listening to Holiday
music. People asking for world peace in their songs. World peace is a bunch of horseshit, plane and simple. It's an imaginary idea, one that will never
come true. Besides, look around you. Every day, while you're out and about, doing whatever it is you do, notice the problems around you. People cutting
each other off in traffic, people flipping each other off at traffic lights, people mugging other people, the list goes on and on. We can't even get along
in our own country, these artists are the most delusional pakc of morons ever. If there was world peace, the newspapers and other forms of media would
have very little or nothing to report on. We don't need world peace, we need disorderr and violence. They make things exciting, and it gives us something
to talk about. If you had to choose between talking about the National flower convention, or the latest blood bath in Iraq, wouldn't you'd rather discuss
the ladder? Explosives and corpses are far more interesting a subject matter than a flower. Also, we need coruption. This is another topic that provokes
entertaining conversation. Instead of hearing about how the Nation of Islam has decided to be nice to everyone, wouldn't you rather discuss a crooked political
figure in your state? Things like stealing government money for personal usage, taking bribes to cover up crimes, engaging in prostitution, and doing a
horrible job as a political figure are far more interesting conversations then say, people helping each other out. Discussing kindness is nice in small
doses, but that's all.

Bubbapalooza Starring Ned at The Florida theater In Jacksonville, Florida

2008-12-08T22:58:00.002-05:00

Bubba The Love Sponge® brought his insane brand of entertainment to the Florida Theater this past Saturday in beautiful Jacksonville Florida, to an awesome crowd. Before I get started with this review, I'd like to offer up a big thanks to Rob and Rochelle from Richmand Virginia, who were nice enough to take me to the show. The show was a blast, here's how it all went down. We arrived at the theater around 4:40. While waiting for our tickets, I met Miller and Manson, who both thanked me for coming out. Manson asked how I got to the show, and I jokingly said I drove, and he shot back with, "Shouldn't that be illegal?" I met a bunch of people while waiting for the tickets, Bonnie from Buffalo Grove, for instants. After getting our tickets, we were given bags packed with stuff (Bubbapalooza Jacksonville shirt, TSS-Radio shirt, a flyer for clips4sale.com, keychains, and a pass to Bubbaraw.com). Once inside, first person I met was Spiceboy, who thanked me for coming out. While we were chatting, he took my cane and playfully hit me with it. Next I met Brent. I wished him the best of luck on his throat surgery (Brent had a pee sized sist on his vocal chords that was removed earlier today), he thanked me for that, and also thanked me for coming to the show. After going to the second floor, I met Tom the Treeman (the show's punchingbag) and Carl haris (he does promos for the show's various contests). From there I met Janie Cakes (Bubba's Mom), Tara (Bubba's Sister), and Jeff (Bubba's step Dad). You know you're doing a great thing for the show when both Janie and Tara give you props. I talked with Manson again, then it was on to Bubba. He thanked me for coming out, gave me an eargrip and took a picture. I then met Heather, Bubba's wife, she was very nice and also took a picture. Before the show I hung out with some fans, met B-Fudd, who marked out, and when I asked him to say my name, he said "blind Laura". Jesse James Dupree, a good friend of the show, kicked things off with his band Dixy Inc, their set was at least forty-five minutes. About fifteen minutes later, the show started. First Ned welcomed us, then Hulk, then the live stuff began. Manson came on and sang a song welcoming us to the show, to the tune of "Song 2" by Blur. Spice came out and welcomed us to the show, drunk and high. He bagged on Bubba, Hogan's divorce, then brought on Miller, the Executive Producer of Content for Bubba Raw. Miller did some stand-up, comparing how a regular company handles you when you screw up VS. how the BRN treats you.

Regular company

First screwup - Verbal warning

Second screwup - written warning

Third screwup - Suspention

How the BRN does it, from Miller's experiences.

First screwup - consume a pubic hair berito

Second screwup - asshole shocked

Third screwup - Cameraman for homeless ball licking

After his set, Spice came back on and introduced Brent. Brent thanked everyone for coming, then went write into his set, which is a spoken word rootine. He discussed three things that will help the economy.

Legalize gammbling

Legalize prostitution

Relegalize marijuana

He explained how all three would increase money for everyone. He said how when you're on marijuana, all you want to do is eat. He dedicated his set to Henry Rollins, then introduced Manson. Manson came out dressed as justin timberlake, and did "Bringing Fatass Back", which is on both "Bubba Show classics Vol. 2" and "Bubba Show classics Vol. 6", tracks 2 and 5, respectively. The song makes fun of Bubba's increasing weight, with 25 Cent filling the Timberland roll. After that he did a King Bubba rootine (the voice sounds like Stewie from Family Guy). he said how Bubba will make an army, but charge them money for the uniform. he then said how the show has gotten some strange callers over the years (Calvin the Cowfucker from Friday July 6, 2007, George The Shitter from Monday march 13, 2006, The Ham Bandet from Wednesday March 19, 2008, and the Ham Fucker from Thursday April 3, 2008). He then went into an imaginary situation where a caller wanted to sell a video tape of Big Foot licking peanut butter off of his Sister's pussy to TMZ, and he wanted Bubba's spin on it. We then heard a drop of the late Evil Knievel saying "Stop calling me on the phone, you motherfucker!" He then said how he's the only guy left who fucks his wife, he then said how that should be a TV show on the Discovery channel, "The hunt for the only guy left who fucks his wife". He did a Crock Hunter impersonation, and said how they've been traveling for three weeks, but were unable to find the guy who fucks his wife. When they do, their gonna kill him, as he's spoiling all the fun. He then said how he's sick of hearing about aids, and his advice was to not fuck your lover in the ass. He then said how it must be bad carma to be a fly in Africa. "Bzzz, there's no food here. Bzzzz, they're fucking each other in the ass." he then performed "You Love Nascar", a parody of "Allstar" by Smash Mouth. It originally appeared on the now out off print double album "The todd Clem Project", released on Tuesday November 7, 2000 (disc 2, track 9). It is available on "Bubba Show classics Vol. 3", track 11. Spice came back on and announced it was breaktime.

During the break, I got my picture taken with Stormy Daniels, a pornstar and good friend of the show. Once back inside, I met Pantera, a man who I shaved during the Blind Olympics on Wednesday July 16, 2008. I then met Jabberjaw, a woman who was fired from Bubba's radio rival MJ Kelli. The second set started, and Bubba came out, thanked the fans, then proceeded to express his displeasure with Sirius satellite radio, MJ Kelli, and Lex and Terry. He brought out the girls (his Mom, his Sister, his wife, Brent's wife Amanda, Dave Rice's wife Tiffany, and Manson's wife Donna). he then introduced a guy named Frogger, real name Denzil Louis. Denzil has known Bubba for twenty plus years, and is a cop in Indiana, Bubba's hometown. Frogger was booed relentlessly throughout his set, which lacked substance. Denzil then introduced 25, who said how working at the BRN is like being an animal in a lion's cage, comparing Bubba calling someone to the studio like a lion selecting which animal to eat first. Bubba came back on and did a rap song called "40s and Blunts", something he did back in the Power Pig days. The track appeared first on the now out of print album "Bubba's boys With The Base" track 4, however it does appear on "On The chip" disc 1, track 21 as a hidden track. He then brought up Hammel, a guy who he's known for years. hammel owned the website Voyordorm.com for a while, he sold the company last year for $17,000,000. He said he found a pair of panties ins spiceboy's suitcase, which he then proceeded to insert in his mouth. He then played a song called "Spiceboy dreams Of fucking Heather", parody of "Friends In Low Places" by Garth Brooks. They then brought out B-Fudd from Seattle, a mentally retarded man who is an all-around good sport. As he entered the stage, we heard the last few notes to "Also sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss, which was used in the opening credits to "2001: A Space Odyssey". He came on stage and said "To all the people who kicked me around during school, fuck you." He had a joke (What's the difference between me and George W. Bush? I'm more retarded than George W. Bush.) Bubba came back on and was ready to torture Tom The Treeman, when he noticed my cane sticking up. he said, "Blind Lawrence, can you see anything from where you are? All I see is your big fucking stick." He then asked the audience if he knew who I was, a good portion of the people made some noise, and he then proceeded to say how this guy knows everything about the catalog. He can tell you any talk break, where it's at in the iTunes library, he's amazing. The torture of the Treeman began - tator mits, a plate of tax, then some rubbing alcohol. The headliner was introduced - Ned. The lights were turned down, and he came out and said "I am Neddly Mandingo, and I...am a chicken fucker!" He then broke into "Flap Flap" found on "Ned's Parody songs Vol. 1", track 25, a parody of "Smack that" by Akon. The song describes how Ned fucks chickens. After that he called Brent Hatley to the stage to wish him best of luck on his surgery, but Brent didn't come out. In retalliation, Ned did a mini Brent Hatley concert. It's an homage to the Bababbooey songs on the Howard Stern show, the songs say Brent Hatley over and over again. Here's what his mini concert consisted of.

"Hatley Impossible", track 16 on "Ned's Tribute To Brent Hatley"

"Black Hatley", track 4 on "N.F.C"

"Hatley Deeds", track 14 on "Ned's Tribute To Brent Hatley", and 16 on "N.F.C"

"Hatley 5-0", track 15 on "Ned's Tribute To Brent Hatley"

After that, Ned then did some stand-up which was very George Carlin-esque. It focused on how magical certain words and phrases are. While dingleberry is a dumb word, it's a beautiful insult. the phrase "sucks donkey dicks" is an excellent phrase with an excelent visual, and cum is a great thing. He said how Terri Schiavo is really every man's dream woman. She never talks, she's got a liquid brain, and she's always happy to see you. "Terri I'm home, blink twice if you don't want me to fuck you." He then did "Radiostar" from "Ned's Parody Songs Vol. 2", track 16, and is a parody of "Rockstar" by Nickelback, where Ned bags on Bubba. As the finale, he did "Acid On My tongue" from "Ned's Parody Songs Vol. 1", track 12, a parody of "Blister In the Sun" by Violent Femmes, which describes various situations that happened to Ned while under some substances. Bubba came out for the final time, thanked the fans, and the show was over. All and all it was a great night, one that will truly go down in history as one of the coolest events I've ever seen.

Bubba's Official Website

BubbaRaw.com

BubbaArmy.com

President Obama's speech in Chicago

2008-11-06T21:16:00.003-05:00

Here is Obama's speech after he won the election.

McCaine Concedes

2008-11-05T11:31:00.001-05:00

Last night in Arizona, John McCaine made the following speech.

"Thank you. Thank you, my friends. Thank you for coming here on this beautiful Arizona evening.
My friends, we have -- we have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken, and they have spoken clearly.
A little while ago, I had the honor of calling Senator Barack Obama to congratulate him.
To congratulate him on being elected the next president of the country that we both love.
In a contest as long and difficult as this campaign has been, his success alone commands my respect for his ability and perseverance. But that he managed to do so by inspiring the hopes of so many millions of Americans who had once wrongly believed that they had little at stake or little influence in the election of an American president is something I deeply admire and commend him for achieving.
This is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight.
I've always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have the industry and will to seize it. Senator Obama believes that, too.
But we both recognize that, though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation's reputation and denied some Americans the full blessings of American citizenship, the memory of them still had the power to wound.
A century ago, President Theodore Roosevelt's invitation of Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House was taken as an outrage in many quarters.
America today is a world away from the cruel and frightful bigotry of that time. There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African-American to the presidency of the United States.
Let there be no reason now...
Let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest nation on Earth.
Senator Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country. I applaud him for it, and offer him my sincere sympathy that his beloved grandmother did not live to see this day. Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise.
Senator Obama and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain.
These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.
I urge all Americans...
I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited.
Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that.
It is natural. It's natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment. But tomorrow, we must move beyond it and work together to get our country moving again.
We fought -- we fought as hard as we could. And though we feel short, the failure is mine, not yours.
I am so deeply grateful to all of you for the great honor of your support and for all you have done for me. I wish the outcome had been different, my friends.
The road was a difficult one from the outset, but your support and friendship never wavered. I cannot adequately express how deeply indebted I am to you.
I'm especially grateful to my wife, Cindy, my children, my dear mother...
... my dear mother and all my family, and to the many old and dear friends who have stood by my side through the many ups and downs of this long campaign.
I have always been a fortunate man, and never more so for the love and encouragement you have given me.
You know, campaigns are often harder on a candidate's family than on the candidate, and that's been true in this campaign.
All I can offer in compensation is my love and gratitude and the promise of more peaceful years ahead.
I am also -- I am also, of course, very thankful to Governor Sarah Palin, one of the best campaigners I've ever seen...
... one of the best campaigners I have ever seen, and an impressive new voice in our party for reform and the principles that have always been our greatest strength...
... her husband Todd and their five beautiful children...
... for their tireless dedication to our cause, and the courage and grace they showed in the rough and tumble of a presidential campaign.
We can all look forward with great interest to her future service to Alaska, the Republican Party and our country.
To all my campaign comrades, from Rick Davis and Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter, to every last volunteer who fought so hard and valiantly, month after month, in what at times seemed to be the most challenged campaign in modern times, thank you so much. A lost election will never mean more to me than the privilege of your faith and friendship.
I don't know -- I don't know what more we could have done to try to win this election. I'll leave that to others to determine. Every candidate makes mistakes, and I'm sure I made my share of them. But I won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been.
This campaign was and will remain the great honor of my life, and my heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honor of leading us for the next four years.
Please. Please.
I would not -- I would not be an American worthy of the name should I regret a fate that has allowed me the extraordinary privilege of serving this country for a half a century.
half a century.
Today, I was a candidate for the highest office in the country I love so much. And tonight, I remain her servant. That is blessing enough for anyone, and I thank the people of Arizona for it.
Tonight -- tonight, more than any night, I hold in my heart nothing but love for this country and for all its citizens, whether they supported me or Senator Obama -- whether they supported me or Senator Obama.
I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president. And I call on all Americans, as I have often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here.
Americans never quit. We never surrender.
We never hide from history. We make history.
Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you all very much."

However, upon further examination, here's what he was really trying to tell the American people.

"My fellow Americans, we've reached the end of the political road to the Whitehouse, and because of my old age, my eyesight going down the toilet like the Economy, and because I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque, we hit a wall, just like Dale Earnheart did all those years ago. I would like to congradulate Obama for going the extra mile and heading to the Whitehouse, but if I would, I'd be a god damn liar, something I am not. Our next president is a representation of the Democratic party, a party whose mascot is a jackass, which is what he is. When we talked on the phone earlier, I tried everything to not slam the phone down. I gridded my denchers and damn near bit my tongue off. This is bullshit. I think he stole the Election from me, I want a recount. That being said, I would like to express my gratitude towards Governer Sarah Palin from Alaska, and her husband and children, but that retarded one really irks me, he drueled all over my collection of swords I got over in Nam, not to mention, my prized Yellow boots, which I made from a dead Charlie's skin. My fellow Americans, I am outta here, and to the young man in the green shirt and yellow shorts, turn off your god damn cell phone!"

President Obama

2008-11-05T02:30:00.004-05:00

It's official: Barack Obama is the newest President. It's time for change. Congradulations to Obama.

"Finally, the Republican beast elephant brought to it's fucking knees." - Bill Hicks

This is rough

2008-11-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago, Family Guy took a sharp stab at the McCaine campaign.

Taking a break from Politics

2008-11-04T09:53:00.000-05:00

While it is Election day, I figure we need a break from all this political talk. Here are some videos you might enjoy.

"Hey There dumb Bubba", parody of "Hey There Delilah". Manson from the Bubba The Love Sponge® show bags on Bubba.

Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show sings some Michael Jackson tunes.

Family Guy: while reconstructing a house, Stewie attempts to communicate with Brian via two-way radio, and in the process, drives Brian insane for not saying "over".

Triumph the Insult comic dog, gives the weather report for Hawaii.

Jim Gaffigan does some stand-up on the Letterman show.

Chris Berman loses his cool.

Now for an extremely politically incorrect joke:

A guy from Arabia comes to the United States, and gets very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, none of them know what's wrong with him. He finally goes to an Indian doctor. the doctor gives him a bucket, and tells him to piss and shit in it, then breathe in the sent for twenty seconds. He does it, and feels much better. He says "Thanks doc, I feel excellent, what was the problem?" The doctor says, "You were home sick."

Have a good day.

Philli fans don't fuck around

2008-10-17T22:00:00.001-04:00

If you go to any sporting game in Philadelphia and you make yourself look like an ass, the Philli fans are gonna call you out as such. It's obvious who these particular people are pulling for.

Happy Birthday

2008-10-16T11:00:00.000-04:00

Freckles, the family Bassett Hound celebrates a birthday today, eight years old. We adopted him from another family six years ago. He's not exactly the smartest dog in the world, but we love him.

White Cane Safety Day

2008-10-15T13:30:00.001-04:00

Today is a very important day for blind or visually impaired people. Today is National White Cane Safety day, which raises awareness to sighted people about The White Cane law. Official White Cane Day website. Lion's club on white Cane Day. Stricter by-laws sought for footpaths. AMERICAN COUNCIL OF THE BLIND on White Cane Day.

Happy Birthday to Jim Rome

2008-10-14T12:32:00.001-04:00

Today, radio personallity Jim rome celebrates a birthday, 44 years old today.

Here is the infamous moment from his ESPN2 TV show where Jim Everett physically attacked him.

Jim Rome's Official Website

Here is comedian Frank Caliendo impersonating Rome.

Happy Birthday to Sacha Baron Cohen

2008-10-13T11:38:00.001-04:00

Today, Borat creator Sacha Baron Cohen celebrates a birthday today, 38 years old today.

Here is a clip from his HBO show, the infamous "Throw the Jew Down the Well" song.

Blast from The past: Frank Zappa on Crossfire

2008-10-12T22:00:00.002-04:00

From 1986, here is the late Frank Zappa on Crossfire.

20 Years Ago Today...

2008-10-05T12:50:00.000-04:00

Lloyd Bentsen, the democratic vice presidential pick of Michael Dukakis, debated Dan Quayle, the Republican Vice President pick of George H. W. Bush. Here's the infamous "you're No Jack Kennedy" moment from that debate.

A More Realistic Look On Religion

2008-09-30T23:01:00.001-04:00

Send this to all those people who send you all that religious crap in your inbox.

Note: I didn't write this, this was sent to me in an e-mail.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say "Eat me"

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

THE GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

2008-09-26T14:37:00.002-04:00

Note: I didn't come up with this, this is something I got in an e-mail.

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.

The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros.

Old Photos...kind of

2008-09-19T16:52:00.004-04:00

Here are two pictures of me, both taken on Saturday November 5, 2005.

In Memory Of Carlin...

2008-09-17T12:36:00.002-04:00

Today marks the twelve year aniversury of Carlin's ninth HBO special being released on CD. The special "Back In Town" was the first of several Carlin HBO specials to be performed at The Beacon Theater.

Click here to purchase from iTunes

Click here to purchase from Amazon.com

Pink floyd is down another member

2008-09-15T16:32:00.003-04:00

In July of 2006, former lead singger Syd Barrett died. Now today, another member has gone to the Dark Side Of the Moon. Richard wright, has died from cancer. Richard Wright Dead At Age 65

Click on the button below to hear Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here", from the album of the same name, released thirty-three years ago today.

Lost Ending to Super Mario Brothers

2008-09-10T23:33:00.002-04:00

Ever wondered what happened at the very end of the original Super Mario Brothers video game? Seth McFarlane has a reasonable explanation.

The french Not Acting Like cowards?

2008-09-10T11:07:00.005-04:00

Other than the invention of Braille in 1821, The Statue Of Liberty in 1886, and Dans le Noir (a restaurant that is pitch dark inside), what else have the French done that is not cowardly? Well here's one I support them on. In France, it's against the law to practice Scientology. France is planning a lawsuit against the church of Scientology for fraud. Good, FUCK SCIENTOLOGY! What's Scientology gonna do, unleash the wrath of Xenu? Xenu is probably some nurdy looking fuck who couldn't get laid at a whorehouse. If Xenu really does exist, I hope he gets an E meter shoved up his ass.

Scientologists charged with fraud in France

The Family Guy Goes Online

2008-09-07T13:04:00.002-04:00

Seth Mcfarlane, creator of both "Family Guy" and "American dad" will be launching a series of cartoons on the internet next week. He'll have full creative control, which basically means, decency, good taste, and morals are thrown out. You can read an article about it, published this past Friday in the Wallstreet Journal.

The Family Guy Goes Online

NFB To Give Out Free White Canes

2008-08-19T21:28:00.003-04:00

On August 19, the NFB announced an initiative to ensure that any blind
person in the United States and Puerto Rico who needs a long white cane
will have one, regardless of ability to pay. The NFB will provide a free cane to anyone in the fifty states, the District of Columbia, or Puerto Rico who is blind or has low vision and who uses or desires to use a white cane in order to travel independently. For more information, please read the official press release about this landmark program, go here. The late Lyndon B. Johnson would be proud. Johnson was responsible for making October 15 "White Cane Day" in 1964. This unofficial holiday has been continued since then. For more on White Cane Day, go here.

RIP, Elvis

2008-08-16T06:00:00.000-04:00

Thirty-one years ago today, the world lost the man known as the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis. Here is the late Sam Kinison covering the Elvis classic "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"

Shopping for A New Lawyer

2008-08-15T19:45:00.004-04:00

With all the money he has, surely getting himself a new lawyer won't be too expensive. Radio host MJ Kelli's lawyer, Phil Campbell was arrested last month for DUI. Mj has said many times he has a zero tolerance policy for DUIS, this should be no different. If he keeps Campbell on board, he'll be the biggest hypocrit in the Tampa area, which is kind of strange, given his small size. His ego is bigger than he is.

Phil Campbell's arrest report

Click here for his mugshot.

Hollywood Hulk Hogan

2008-08-11T19:23:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday to not only one of the greatest wrestlers of all times, but also to a very close, personal friend of Bubba The Love Sponge. Happy Birthday Hogan, and many more.

Fun With Politics

2008-08-10T22:12:00.000-04:00

This is hilarious. manson from the Bubba the Love Sponge show did a parody of Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock and Roll To Me" about Republican Presidential candidate John McCain called "He's Too Fucking Old For Me". This video was created by Youtube user evo313.

Today in Stern Show History

2008-08-08T10:30:00.001-04:00

1952 - Stern show newswoman Robin Quivers is born.
1989 - Comedian Patt Cooper comes in and talks about his family. One by one, each member calls in, all hell breaks loose. For a recap of this show, go here. Go to the January 5, 2007 entry.
1995 - Howard fights with then Rock 103.5 personallity Mancow from Chicago. For that show's recap, go here, and look for the entry dated November 24. For the audio, clikc the button below. Note: Audio is not very good quality.

"PRESIDENT NIXON'S RESIGNATION SPEECH"

2008-08-08T00:00:00.002-04:00

Thirty-four years ago today, President Rrichard Millhouse Nixon (January 9, 1913-April 22, 1994), delivered his now infamous resignation speech at 9:00 PM. Here is what he said that night.

"Good evening. This is the 37th time I have spoken to you from this office, where so many decisions have been made that shaped the history of this Nation. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the national interest. In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for the Nation. Throughout the long and difficult period of Watergate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which you elected me. In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough political base in the Congress to justify continuing that effort. As long as there was such a base, I felt strongly that it was necessary to see the constitutional process through to its conclusion, that to do otherwise would be unfaithful to the spirit of that deliberately difficult process and a dangerously destabilizing precedent for the future. But with the disappearance of that base, I now believe that the constitutional purpose has been served, and there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged. I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of the Nation must always come before any personal considerations. From the discussions I have had with Congressional and other leaders, I have concluded that because of the Watergate matter I might not have the support of the Congress that I would consider necessary to back the very difficult decisions and carry out the duties of this office in the way the interests of the Nation would require. I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interest of America first. America needs a full-time President and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad. To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the President and the Congress in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of peace abroad and prosperity without inflation at home. Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office. As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office working on your behalf to achieve those hopes in the next 21/2 years. But in turning over direction of the Government to Vice President Ford, I know, as I told the Nation when I nominated him for that office 10 months ago, that the leadership of America will be in good hands. In passing this office to the Vice President, I also do so with the profound sense of the weight of responsibility that will fall on his shoulders tomorrow and, therefore, of the understanding, the patience, the cooperation he will need from all Americans. As he assumes that responsibility, he will deserve the help and the support of all of us. As we look to the future, the first essential is to begin healing the wounds of this Nation, to put the bitterness and divisions of the recent past behind us, and to rediscover those shared ideals that lie at the heart of our strength and unity as a great and as a free people. By taking this action, I hope that I will have hastened the start of that process of healing which is so desperately needed in America. I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the events that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my Judgments were wrong, and some were wrong, they were made in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of the Nation. To those who have stood with me during these past difficult months, to my family, my friends, to many others who joined in supporting my cause because they believed it was right, I will be eternally grateful for your support. And to those who have not felt able to give me your support, let me say I leave with no bitterness toward those who have opposed me, because all of us, in the final analysis, have been concerned with the good of the country, however our judgments might differ. So, let us all now join together in affirming that common commitment and in helping our new President succeed for the benefit of all Americans. I shall leave this office with regret at not completing my term, but with gratitude for the privilege of serving as your President for the past 51/2 years. These years have been a momentous time in the history of our Nation and the world. They have been a time of achievement in which we can all be proud, achievements that represent the shared efforts of the Administration, the Congress, and the people. But the challenges ahead are equally great, and they, too, will require the support and the efforts of the Congress and the people working in cooperation with the new Administration. We have ended America's longest war, but in the work of securing a lasting peace in the world, the goals ahead are even more far-reaching and more difficult. We must complete a structure of peace so that it will be said of this generation, our generation of Americans, by the people of all nations, not only that we ended one war but that we prevented future wars. We have unlocked the doors that for a quarter of a century stood between the United States and the People's Republic of China. We must now ensure that the one quarter of the world's people who live in the People's Republic of China will be and remain not our enemies but our friends. In the Middle East, 100 million people in the Arab countries, many of whom have considered us their enemy for nearly 20 years, now look on us as their friends. We must continue to build on that friendship so that peace can settle at last over the Middle East and so that the cradle of civilization will not become its grave. Together with the Soviet Union we have made the crucial breakthroughs that have begun the process of limiting nuclear arms. But we must set as our goal not just limiting but reducing and finally destroying these terrible weapons so that they cannot destroy civilization and so that the threat of nuclear war will no longer hang over the world and the people. We have opened the new relation with the Soviet Union. We must continue to develop and expand that new relationship so that the two strongest nations of the world will live together in cooperation rather than confrontation. Around the world, in Asia, in Africa, in Latin America, in the Middle East, there are millions of people who live in terrible poverty, even starvation. We must keep as our goal turning away from production for war and expanding production for peace so that people everywhere on this earth can at last look forward in their children's time, if not in our own time, to having the necessities for a decent life. Here in America, we are fortunate that most of our people have not only the blessings of liberty but also the means to live full and good and, by the world's standards, even abundant lives. We must press on, however, toward a goal of not only more and better jobs but of full opportunity for every American and of what we are striving so hard right now to achieve, prosperity without inflation. For more than a quarter of a century in public life I have shared in the turbulent history of this era. I have fought for what I believed in. I have tried to the best of my ability to discharge those duties and meet those responsibilities that were entrusted to me. Sometimes I have succeeded and sometimes I have failed, but always I have taken heart from what Theodore Roosevelt once said about the man in the arena, "whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again because there is not effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumphs of high achievements and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly." I pledge to you tonight that as long as I have a breath of life in my body, I shall continue in that spirit. I shall continue to work for the great causes to which I have been dedicated throughout my years as a Congressman, a Senator, a Vice President, and President, the cause of peace not just for America but among all nations, prosperity, justice, and opportunity for all of our people. There is one cause above all to which I have been devoted and to which I shall always be devoted for as long as I live.
When I first took the oath of office as President 5 1/2 years ago, I made this sacred commitment, to "consecrate my office, my energies, and all the wisdom I can summon to the cause of peace among nations." I have done my very best in all the days since to be true to that pledge. As a result of these efforts, I am confident that the world is a safer place today, not only for the people of America but for the people of all nations, and that all of our children have a better chance than before of living in peace rather than dying in war.
This, more than anything, is what I hoped to achieve when I sought the Presidency. This, more than anything, is what I hope will be my legacy to you, to our country, as I leave the Presidency. To have served in this office is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every American. In leaving it, I do so with this prayer: May God's grace be with you in all the days ahead."

However, after doing some editional research, here's what he was really saying.

"Good evening, my fellow Americans. As I speak to you from this office for the 37th time, I've come to several conclusions. One, this Watergate scandle is ridiculous. I don't know who the hell this Deep throat guy is, but if I find him, I'm going to mash his face into this picture of Lincon. (He points behind him to a picture of Lincon. He looks at the camera) Anyhow, back to my train of thought. Secondly (he stands up) I, Richard Nixon, am sexually pent up. I can't tell you how many hot interns we have coming into the White House. If I had a dollar for every time one of these hotties crawled all over me...my fellow Americans, you know how much money I'd have? One fucking dollar. that's all. One dollar. Thirdly, I do not like Ben Stein at all. He sounds like a robot, and his writing is beyond horrible. I tried reading a speech he pitched, it looked like a fucking retarded person wrote it. Too many ink splotches on the pages, and what the hell does "I'm not a crook" mean anyway? Also, to Hunter S. Thompson, I saw the shit you wrote about me, and I don't like it one bit. I was a fan of your book "Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas", but other than that, everything else you've written was crap. If you haven't seen this Thompson dillhole, let me put it this way: take David Gillmore's ass, and lovingly decorate it liberally with Wwarts. Now skingraph that on to Thompson's face, and that's pretty much what he looks like. lastly, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I quit. It's over. I've had enough of this bullshit. Enjoy you're new President America, his name is Ford. Have a good night America. (Lights a joint as the camera pans away, screen cuts to black.)

Pineapple Express

2008-08-06T17:46:00.003-04:00

I'm not a movie critic by any means, but I would just like to say, this stoner comedy is not worth your time. Do not go see it. It's a darkmatch Harold and Kumar, and is absolutely shitty.

BTLS

2008-08-04T22:51:00.004-04:00

Visit my main man Bubba the Love Sponge's official website

Want to get some Bubba merch? Shirts, Hats, hoodies, muddflaps, Cds...it's all here.

Bubba Merchandise

See all the crazy stuff that takes place both on and off the air.

Bubba uncut, uncensored, and off the wall

Want to fill up your iPod with various elements from the show? Plenty of bits from Manson, Ned, and the rest of the crew.

Bubba on iTunes

The Merger has finally happened!

2008-07-29T21:32:00.003-04:00

It's official: Sirius Satellite Radio and XM Satellite radio have merged as one company, after a seventeen month delay. This is big news for radio fans across the board. Congradulations, Mel Karmazin!

Potential Career

2008-07-28T11:36:00.001-04:00

A possible career choice for the staff of tmz.com, Entertainment Tonight, and other media outlets that thrive on Hollywood gossip.

Sports Figures Flipping out

2008-07-26T21:32:00.001-04:00

There's nothing better than when a coach, a player, or a sports caster flips out while the cameras are still on. Here are four classic examples:

First up, we've got a clip from 1991. This is when Bobby Night was coaching Indiana. This proves that the old phrase "it doesn't matter if you win or lose, but how you play the game" is complete bullshit.

Known for his upbeat attitude and his catchy silly nicknames, Chris Berman has been a favorite among sports fans for years, and has worked at ESPN for most of his career. However, as we see in this clip, it's not all smoke and sunshine.

: In September of 2007, the Oklahoma State football team coach Mike Gundy, following a victory against Texas Tech, refused to answer questions about the game, and instead focused solely on blasting a local newspaper article about the team's demoted starting quarterback, screaming that the article was mostly
lies, the writer could only write such an article if they had no children and personally slamming the editor of the newspaper for allowing the article to print.

Back in October 2005 at an Ohio State game, John L. Smith lost his mind.

Blind Olympics

2008-07-18T21:18:00.014-04:00

I would like to take this time to personally thank the staff of the Bubba The Love Sponge show for putting together The Blind Olympics this past Wednesday. We had a great time, it was lots of fun just hanging out with you, also sitting back and listening to those mousetraps snapp on Tom the Treeman's toes provided a great soundtrack to an otherwise cloudy afternoon. I'd also like to thank the people of the BRN for their generosity, especially Miller, who was cool enough to hook all of us up with some Bubba merch. Very down to earth. Looking forward to a future appearance on the show.

George Carlin May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

2008-06-23T07:06:00.006-04:00

Today, the world has lost one of the greats in the comedy world. George Carlin, the man famous for "Seven Words You can Never Say on Television", passed away yesterday afternoon from heart failure. He will truly be missed.

George Carlin Dead at age 71

We'll Do It Live!!

2008-05-14T23:50:00.004-04:00

Several years ago, Bill O'riley hosted Inside Edition. When the teleprompter wasn't working properly, this "conservitive" man went sailing off the handle.

MJ Kelli is No longer Number 1

2008-05-05T15:09:00.002-04:00

Well the Winter 08 ratings are in, and MJ Kelli is no longer number 1. Let's take a look at the books for Morning drive in Tampa, Florida, more spacifically, WHPT, also known as 102.5, The Bone, which specializes in "Real Classic Rock"..

Persons 12 +: 2.8-9.5 (12-1)
Persons 18-34: 3.0-18.4 (12-1)
Persons 18-49: 4.0-14.6 (9-1)
Persons 25-54: 4.2-14.0 (6-1)
Persons 35-64: 3.6-8.3 (7-1)

How does that taste, Mr. Schnitt? Keep bamboozeling your audience and saying your the man, you've had your fun in Tampa radio, it's time for the big man to step in and smash you, unsigned band review style. If you were an illegal immigrant, you wouldn't need a rubber raft, your ego is big enough to hold half the population of Cuba, and then some.

Source of ratings: theboneonline.com

Snow White & The 7 Dwarfs

2008-04-24T20:03:00.002-04:00

This particular version would make Walter Elias Disney spin in his grave.

Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names? Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.So off she went into the woods, To try and get some luck! She'd almost given up looking, When she saw some chimney smoke. Then stumbled on a cottage, And went in for a poke. Her clothes came off in seconds. And she'd just removed her pants, When seven Dwarfs came marching in, With a merry song and dance. Snow White just stood there speechless, And thought she was in heaven! Originally after one good shag, But now she could have seven. Straight away she took command, "My fanny needs a lick!" And when one dwarf moved forward, She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pick!" So down he went onto all fours, And said "I ain't licking that!" "Not there, that me arse-hole, You DOPEY little brat!" The next dwarf started blushing, "Do we have to do it here?" Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL! Unless you're fucking queer!" So reluctantly he whipped it out, To prove he was no fool. And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho" As she rode upon his tool. Now one dwarf wasn't smiling, 'Cause he hadn't had a sniff. And due to his impatience, He couldn't raise a stiff. "Relax, you GRUMPY idiot", So he did as he was told. And as soon as he was hard enough, He shot his fucking load. The next dwarf got a blowjob And she took him in quite easy. But she just avoided brain-damage, When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY. With three dwarves left, she turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!" But no sooner had he entered her, Than he was sleeping on the job. "Wake up you SLEEPY idiot" She wanted more from him. And he woke with such excitement, That he filled her hairy quim. The next dwarf rammed his up her ass, And shagged her fanny raw. And dazed Snow White then whimpered, "That should be against the law!" He made poor Snow White tremble, He was so big and thick. "No wonder you're so HAPPY, With that fucking great big dick." With one dwarf still remaining, But feeling rather sore, She said "You'll have to use your tongue, My twat can't take no more.!" And so he put his tongue to work, Where others had put their cocks. And 'cause he made Snow White feel better, She named the last one DOC. Now Snow White couldn't do much, With all that cum inside her quim, So she grabbed a cup, and squatted, And filled it to the brim. So there's the truth about the dwarfs, And how they got their names, By satisfying miss Snow White, And joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know, And that's what happened to that cup? Well think of what you're drinking... When you next buy 7-UP!

"The Meanie In Heaven"

2008-04-17T19:03:00.003-04:00

Introduction:
We often wonder what the afterlife has to offer. Meet Donnie, a construction worker who died of a heart attack while up on a scaffolding. Bitter that he is dead, he decides to vent his frustrations on the people he is forever stuck with.
(Heaven, nighttime. St. Peter stands at the gates. Donnie approaches. We see that Donnie looks like Howard Stern show producer Gary Dell'Abate, only without the big green teeth.)
St. Peter: Donnie Wallace, welcome to Heaven. According to this book, you died while on a scaffolding. Well sir, you can come into Heaven.
Donnie: Sweet. (He goes through the gates. He spots a pack of Angels, but we cannot see their faces.)
Angels: Hello, newcommer.
Donnie: I don't know who you guys are. You guys have names?
Angel #1: John F. Kennedy JR.
Angel #2: John Denver.
Angel #3: Payne Stewart.
Angel #4: Jim Croce.
Angel #5: Ron Brown.
Angel #6: Otis Redding.
Angel #7: (In Egyption accent) Amal El Sayed.
Angel #8: Ronnie Van Zant.
Donnie: Oh okay, I didn't recognize you without your wings. Are you all in the mile high club? (Laughs loudly) Later, wirly birds. (Walks away. He comes to another Angel, sitting in a chair.) How are you?
Angel: Good. My name is Christopher Reeves.
Donnie: Nay...I mean, Yay. (Gets on all fours and moves like a horse) I'm outa here. (Walks up to another Angel without an ear) Hey, how ya doing? Would you like to try these kick ass headphones? They're really sweeet!
Angel: No.
Donnie: Alright then, I apologize if I've offended you. (muttering
) Douche. (Walks away. He sees another angel without any arms) Hey, why are you such a jerkoff? (Walks away. He sees another Angel with a cane) Hey, how many fingers am I holding up? (We see he is holding up both middle fingers).
Angel: I don't know, my ears gotta be my eyes. Back on earth I was a song writer, I wrote such classics as "Hit The Road Jack".
Donnie: Thanks for gunking up the airwaves, Helen Keller. (Walks away. He sees an Angel hunched over and salivating) Hi, may I send you a Catholic alter boy? (Walks away. He sees an Angel hooked up with tubes and is tracking a red ball) Hey, I didn't know the vegetable section in Heaven was all the way over here. Funny how things turn out. (He trips over a cord, knocking it out of a nearby socket) Ooopse, my foot slipped. (St. Peter appears next to Donnie) Yesssss...
St. Peter: Am I losing my mind here, just what are you doing?
Donnie: (While holding a map of Spain and eating a piece of Pizza) Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
St. Peter: I'm not seeing it, dude. I've seen your actions as of late, and I honestly cannot approve. I'm sure my boss, who let's a lot slide, surely can't overlook your actions. Messing with dead people? Come on now, that's just wrong. I'm going to send you to "The never-ending BBQ", where the main dish is...everyone around you. Your Chefs are Beelzebub and Jeffrey Dahmer. (He pushes a button and donnie falls through a trapped door) Have fun, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
(Fade to Black. The End.)

"Deep Thoughts with Titanic Captain Edward John Smith"

2008-04-14T23:44:00.001-04:00

Nindy-six years ago today, The Titanic, a ship departing from Southampton, England and heading for New York City, New York struck an iceburg, killing more than 1,500 people, ranking it as one of the worst maritime disasters in history and by far the most famous. Eighty five years later, James Cameron, famous for the Terminator series of movies, made a film aduptation of this event. Stretching it to a three hour, twenty minute love fest, the movie made almost $200,000,000.00, a waste of money in this man's opinion. The old saying of "It's tragity when it happens to you, and comedy when it happens to someone else" is very true in this case. Years have passed, so I'm sure no one will mind if I bring to you this. These are thoughts taken from the mind of the Titanic's captain, Captain Edward John Smith. enjoy.
(As the Titanic is leaving on it's maiden voyage)
Aa yes, off to lovely America. I'm hoping I can see this "Baseball" sport that is so popular over there. It really is fantastic to know we have the most advanced tools known to date. Everyone else sucks week old crumpets, while we rule!
(A few hours later)
Voyage is going rather smoothly, think I'll have some of this here Green Tea the gents back home told me so much about. (Drinks Tea, then his eyes turn red) Wow...I get it now. William Howard Taft's face looks just like an asshole. That's why, first things first, when I touch American soil, I'm kicking him in the monkey and pee wees!
(Moments before the ship hits the iceburg)
Stop ringing that damn bell, dinner was hours ago. Quit yelling the boloody iceburg is right ahead, I can see it. You know, I think this chap is blind, blind as a bloody bat. What's a little ice gonna do to the ship? We're unsinkable, while everyone else is floating helplessly in the water, we're on top!
(As the ship is sinking)
Oh bloody hell, this truly is like a cricket bat to King Richard and his two round subjects. Blast, why did I wear these damn concreet shoes?
(As he sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean)
Aa well, at least I lived a good, long life. When I get to Heaven, I'll be spanking the asses of seventy-two virgins with a belt!

"Deep thoughts With Bill Clinton"

2008-03-14T15:34:00.002-04:00

Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton has made many statements over the years. Upon hearing these statements, most Americans either agree, disagree, or get so angered they want to throw the nearest object out of a ten story building. Below are some of Hillary's quotes, then right below, are believed to be Bill's inner thoughts.

"Every nation has to either be with us, or against us. Those who harbor terrorists, or who finance them, are going to pay a price."
"Thank you for that bit of breaking news there, Captain obvious. Can we move this along? My Cuban cigar isn't getting any moisture out here. Where's Monica? Is she at the Gap again? I can only give her so many of Hillary's old dresses, she'll just use them as cum rags. Damn, I want to mount her so bad, and Mrs. Jones, and if you think Jennifer Flowers, your on the right track. (Looks at Hillary) Keep on preachin' to the crowd, baby. (To himself) The faster I'm home, the faster you can make my grilled cheese sandwich, you annoying hog."

"For centuries, New York has served as the gateway for millions of people from all over the world in search of the American dream. It only makes sense that it would now serve as a gateway for the world's greatest athletes."
"No arguement here, you gotta love New York. Especially the tang, it's absolutely fantastic. Just ask my good buddy Spitzer, he'll tell you all about #9. I don't care about athletes, I want my dick sucked and a fine cigar, preferably sometime today, like right this minute would be very nice. Do you know the trouble I had to go through to get this fine cigar? I had to beat up Fidel Castro for it, and I gotta say, when you fight a pinko commy bastard for a fine smoke, you've earned it, much like a fat kid deserves ice cream after being the champion in Dodgball. Monica and I played Dodgball, she always remembered to wear her kneepads...oooooh yeah."

"I believe in a zone of privacy."
"Is that so? You don't remember when Ron Brown took that pic of you while you were in the whitehouse bathroom? The one that doesn't have the pictures of John F. Kennedy on the walls, that one is for smart democrats only, not nagging pains in the asses."

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
"Well, that's what you get for going into politics, stupid bitch. You have about as much chance of becoming President as Howard Stern does at becoming Pope."

"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."
"Is that so? Must I remind you that all the mirrors in our house are broken, and you know who did all that? Not the secret service, not Monica, you and that ugly daughter of yours. While I was creating her with you, I was secretly thinking of being far away on a beach in Mexico, sitting on a beach chair, puffing a cigar and having a local Mexican gal bang me like a screen door in a Hurricane in Louisiana."

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle."
"Again with the hair style. It's not that great, even Ray Charles hated it. Daivid Paterson described it as "Uncleaned defication in a bird's nest.""

"The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they're not."
"Stop bogarding my stash!"

"The American taxpayer should not be treated more shabbily than debtors from other nations and we should be encouraging other nations to help rebuild Iraq's economy."
"I've got a better policy. You've made your bed, now get fucked in it."

"The candidates we have in this campaign are... the most accomplished, in terms of public service, that we've had since 1960. One of them will be successful."
"the name of this candidate is not Hillary Clinton, I can assure you of that."

"The challenge is to practice politics as the art of making what appears to be impossible, possible."
"the challenge is for you to keep quiet for more than five minutes, which itself is impossible."

"There is a great deal of political pressure to only talk about abstinence, and to deny support for condoms and education on using them. This policy will lead to the unnecessary deaths of many people."
"if I had to abstain from sex, I'd kill myself too."

"Today we voted as Democrats and Republicans. Tomorrow we begin again as New Yorkers."
"Today I look at you passionately, tomorrow after recovering from the night's activities, I puke up my past six meals over a two day span and divorce you."

"In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart."
"The bible also says Jesus fed one thousand people with a loaf of bread and some tuna. Ever hear of Snopes.com? Funny you say that your keeping a chart, as I've been keeping a chart of my own, several charts to be exact. One chart for how many times I've cheated on you, one for how many times I've thought about other women while making love to you, and one for how many times I've thought about having your face printed on my toilet paper."

"Eliot Spitzer's Resignation Speech"

2008-03-13T22:58:00.002-04:00

As you all know, New York Governer Eliot Spitzer resigned as a result of a prostitution controversy. His resignation speech is as follows, provided by the New York times.

"In the past few days I have begun to atone for my private failings with my wife, Silda, my children, and my entire family. The remorse I feel will always
be with me. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the love and compassion they have shown me. From those to whom much is given, much is expected.
I have been given much: the love of my family, the faith and trust of the people of New York, and the chance to lead this state. I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me. To every New Yorker, and to all those who believed in what I tried to stand for, I sincerely apologize.
I look at my time as governor with a sense of what might have been, but I also know that as a public servant I, and the remarkable people with whom I worked,
have accomplished a great deal. There is much more to be done, and I cannot allow my private failings to disrupt the people’s work. Over the course of
my public life, I have insisted, I believe correctly, that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself. For this reason, I am resigning from the office of governor. At Lt. Gov. Paterson’s request, the resignation will be effective
Monday, March 17, a date that he believes will permit an orderly transition.
I go forward with the belief, as others have said, that as human beings, our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
As I leave public life, I will first do what I need to do to help and heal myself and my family. Then I will try once again, outside of politics, to serve
the common good and to move toward the ideals and solutions which I believe can build a future of hope and opportunity for us and for our children. I hope all of New York will join my prayers for my friend, David Paterson, as he embarks on his new mission, and I thank the public once again for the privilege
of service."

However, after closer examination, here's what he was really trying to say:

"Ladies and gentleman of New York, I'm officially walking away from my duties as governer, and off to root 69 where my hot piece of....uh, scratch that, I mean I'm simply walking away. This job is sucking all the energy out of me, not to mention, my bank account. Let me tell you, living in New York has taught me many important lessons, and one of them is that the girls on 49th street aren't cheap, and for good reason. What I ment to say was, this job really is fun, and so is relaxing in a hot tub while an Asian woman rubs...is this mic still on? You know, the problem is, I haven't had my coffee today. Now folks, this job has helped me understand who I am, and I've realized that I am one sexually active individual. Now I know how Bill Clinton feels, right down to the ugly wife. The best part about having a blind man in office is that now, I can play pranks on him. My advice to David Paterson is this: lose the sunglasses, trim that beard, and stop bullshiting us. You're not black, hell you're not even white. You're a mound of flesh with a white flagstick you stole from the special olympics of 1988. I don't understand why you had to do that, you might as well have taken away a salad dish from a fat man while at a cafe, because that's kind of what you did. Don't try and tell us it's a "cane", we know better than that, we're not stupid. Sure we may have elected Hillary Clinton as our Senitor, but that's only a minor mistake, we've learned that you can't trust anyone once they have power. That being said, I'd like to say, good luck in office Mr. Paterson, and if you ever want a hot looking, twenty something woman, you can call me. Ladies and Gentleman, good night, it's been fun being your governer, but I've got a hot date with Big Jim Walker on forty second street, he's going to hook me up with some fine gals, and maybe give me some rock."

Rupert Murdoch Suicide Watch

2007-10-01T12:50:00.001-04:00

Just when you thought American Idol was shitty, the concept has gotten worse, not better. The newest show created by the inventors of “American Idol” is “The Search for the Next Great American Band”. This is one instants where recycling is bad. This is not entertainment; it’s a joke that is so bad it’s funny. This is not going to draw ratings; this stuff is not riveting at all. If the pattern of this new show is just like American Idol, they’ll probably have some no talent, metro sexual pussy host the show. Entertainment is not what it once was. Back in the day, game shows were something to look forward to, now they’re just unwatchable. The only show worth watching that features average joe citizens is Jeopardy, as you can turn off your TV and say “Hey, I really learned some interesting stuff today.” The only thing you learn from American Idol is that everyone on there, whether it’s Simon, Randy, Seacrest, whoever, is just being a bunch of retarded attention whores who are doing nothing more than grasping for their fifteen minutes of fame. If you ask me, it’s an utter waist of time. Read a book, cook something, wipe your ass, do anything other than put you’re ugly kisser on the screen for America to see, like we give a damn. Don’t even try and say that what you’re seeing is real, most, if not all of the show is scripted. Any full grown man who enjoys American Idol should go hunting for a pink dress and some lipstick. Don’t be surprised if you hear about Rupert Murdoch killing himself Hunter S. Thompson style.

In Desperation For The All Mighty Dollar

2007-09-28T20:43:00.000-04:00

There is nothing more annoying than when you’re driving down the road, doing whatever it is you’re doing, when suddenly, the need to urinate hits you like a brick to the chest. You don’t want to be driving down the road with your chinos around your ankles, for fear of getting arrested for indecent exposure, and you don’t want to pull over and pee in some grass, for fear of it getting all over you. You’re nowhere near a rest stop (which when you think about it, is about as ten times as dirty as the average toilet in America). So you pull over the site of the first store you see and make a run for it. You walk in JUST to use the bathroom and get back on track, then the clerk gives you this phrase that stops you right there. The clerk says that in order to use said bathroom, you have to buy something from the store. At that point, you have to make a vital decision - you could either pay $0.75 for something you’ll probably never use, while the need to urinate or defecate becomes stronger, or you could run past the counter and don’t buy anything and get your business done. If you’re only going in there just to relieve yourself, there’s no need for you to patronize them by buying something from them. Next time you’re in a jam like that, say you got Urinary incontinence; they should let you go then. Or you could say, “Look pal, do you really want me to piss on your floor? Do you really want that? I didn’t think so. I don’t have my wallet on me, so just let me use the can already. I happen to be very sensitive about my body.” If all else fails, carry cups in your car designated as urine cups.

Lee Bollinger: Scumbag of 2007

2007-09-25T12:04:00.000-04:00

Recently, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger allowed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at the University. He says that if he were still alive, he’d let Hitler speak at his campus. It’s obvious that Mr. Bollinger doesn’t listen to what he says. Why would you let Hitler, the world’s biggest anti-Semitic scumbag of the Twentieth century talk at a College, when you know what he’s done in his past? Many have accused Bollinger of being duplicitous by allowing Ahmadinejad to speak at the University, when in 2005, he denied the ROTC on to his campus in regards to the Military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on homosexuality. When questioned about this decision, he gave us this purl of bullshit. “The university has an obligation, deeply rooted in the core values of an academic institution and in First Amendment principles, to protect its students from improper discrimination and humiliation." It doesn’t matter if the guy with you in the field of battle is gay, his blood is just as red as yours is. The student body of Columbia University, as well as the people of Columbia should be embarrassed that this man is saying these things. This just goes to show that just because someone has a College degree doesn’t always mean they’ve got all their donuts in the same box.

The Mysteries Of Life

2007-09-24T18:09:00.001-04:00

There are many aspects of life we don’t fully understand. Even if he were still alive, Albert Einstein probably wouldn’t be abel to figure this stuff out. First mystery, unexpected leg and foot cramps. They most often occur in the middle of the night. You get up to use the water closet and...you’re all of a sudden stopped by your leg or foot cramping up something fierce. You can’t stand on it though, because if you do that, you might as well have taken a horse and hacked it’s leg off with a pointed blade. It’s understandable with football players (all that running), but you may not be an athletic kind of person. Another mysterious cramping is pretty common when standing after using the lavatory. Every now and again, the little space between the testicals and the rear-end tends to cramp up slightly. It’s not life threatening or life changing, it’s just a painful aspect of life. Parden the pun, but what a pain in the ass. Here’s another inquiry - when a part of the body falls asleep, just why does it swell up too at least twice it’s normal size? These are the mysteries of life. If you think the Dalai Lama has the answers to these questions, I can sell you the George Washington bridge for $20.00, with three easy payments of $3.99 a month.

The Inaccuracy That Is Religion

2007-09-23T23:01:00.000-04:00

Is there anything in the Bible that can be proven as factuall?

• Creationism - how in the fuck did it all of a sudden start? You can’t create something out of nothing, unless your Jerry Seinfeld, and last time I checked, God is not Seinfeld, not even close.

• Moses talking to the Burning bush - it’s a goddamn
bush, it’s not gonna respond at all, unless you consider smelling smoke and ash a response.

• Noah’s arc - who are you trying to bamboozle with this one?
How can it be done? You have to factor a lot of things like the different speeds of the various animals (snails, zebras etc). If it were true, Noah would’ve had to begin construction on the arc at a young age, probably the second he was born.

• Christ coming back from the dead - what the fuck? No one can rise
from the dead, unless it’s in a cartoon, which is a form of entertainment and nothing more.

• Sodom and Gomorra - how can a woman go from around 5/9 ft, big
rack, beautiful as hell to a pillar of salt just by looking at a town getting demolished? For crying out cornflakes, you can find salt at the Grocery store for $3.99 these days.

• Adam and Eve - If this did in fact happen; we may very well be a product of incest.

Bottom line - The bible is just some stupid book
with ridiculous stories that people somehow believe to be actuall events. Books are works of art, some are true, and some are false. Unless it says “based on a true story”, it’s entertaining fiction and nothing else.

Can we please just drop the hammer on this narcisistic bullshit known as Award shows?

2007-09-17T21:13:00.000-04:00

Every year we have horrible telivised award shows, and as time goes on, they just get worse and worse, like an untreated festering hemorrhoid. All of these award shows are just another way for these Hollywood types to be a bunch of ambashed attention whores by coming out on stage and making some long ass speech about this that and the other, as if we didn’t notice them to begin with. Here’s a very simple way to make these award shows go by much quicker - announce the winners individually, give them the award and get them off of the stage, so we don’t have to hear pretty much the same speech – “I’d like to thank...” blah blah blah, same shit, different Hollywood big wig. If a popular celeb gets an award, they should go up on stage, get the award, go back to their seat and shut the fuck up. The Oscars, The Golden Globes, The Grammies, The Emmies...will this seemingly never-ending road of narcissism ever hit a brick wall and die already? The Dale Earnhardt method - hit the wall at a fast speed, and you die, simple as that. Pride comes before fall.

Cinematic History is made Again today

2007-07-27T11:20:00.001-04:00

“Rich Blonde Brainless Chick Recently Released From The Big House - Who The Hell Cares?”

2007-06-26T23:32:00.000-04:00

Today outside the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Paris Whitney Hilton, 26 years-old was released after a twenty-three day sentence for Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol in September of 2006. Fox News was there to cover the “event”, if you can call this occurance an event. The reporter giving commentary had a British axcent, and deserves the award for “Stating The Obvious Too Much”. He said stuff like “She’s getting into a black escalade, we don’t know where she’s going. She could be heading home, she could be heading to her Grand Parent’s house...” blah blah blah blah. The messed up mind I have has recreated this commentary, with a no nonsense, true to life telling.

Announcer: Your watching Fox News, fare and balanced news. (Thinking he’s off mic)Yeah right, this is bullshit. I’m sure that Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade are better than this. They could flip burgers at McDonalds for the same salary they get here...oh are we on? (Clears throat) Now to our live reporter, Rick Sunderson, who is covering Paris Hilton’s release from prison.

Rick Sunderson: Good afternoon viewers, I’m Rick Sunderson, and today is a big day. Paris Hilton is beeing released from prison today after serving a twenty-three day sentence for driving under the influence. (Turns mic off) Stupid cunt, you think she’d no better. (Turns mic back on) She is exiting the premis as we speak, she’s very shy at this point, which leads us to wonder: will she change her ways or will she continue her ways of walking around the streets of Los Angeles with a low-cut dress, her panties hardly on her body, and her nasty, rat-infested tunabox showing to passers by? Only time will tell. She is now getting into a black escalade, she could be going to her Parent’s house, she could be going home...but the fact is, she’s first heading to the local McDonalds to get two very thick, very large Venilla shakes, as a way to practice for her upcoming (no pun intended) audition as the poster child for the largest Sperm bank in Los Angeles. This is Rick Sunderson, the angry reporter who will break you in half like a Crumpet if you ever double cross me. Fuck this place, it’s bullshit, I’m outta here. (Rick throws down his microphone and it breaks like a glass dish falling from a tall building, smashes the camera like it contains cartons of Camels, and exits the screen in a manner that mirrors someone who has mistakenly ingested a laxative.)

Announcer: Next up on Fox News, fellow Fox News correspondents Bill Hemmer, Jon Scott, E.D. Hill, Jane Skinner, Jamie Colby, Page Hopkins and Eric Shawn discuss their true feelings about George W. Bush.

Interesting and funny observations

2007-05-31T12:43:00.000-04:00

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.”
--Author Unknown
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
--Drew Carey
4) “When you're the designated driver, at the end of the night have some fun with it .... drop them off at the wrong house.”
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
--Dave Barry
6) “Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay. The day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
--Bob Ettinger
7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.”
--Paula Poundstone
8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study, “Duh.”
--Conan O'Brien
9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.”
--Lynda Montgomery
10) “I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.”
--Richard Jeni
11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
--Johnny Carson
12) “Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.”
--Paul Rodriguez
13) “My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned seventy and that's the law.”
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
--Warren Hutcherson
15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
--Oscar Wilde
16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.”
--Mark Twain
17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan .”
--A. Whitney Brown
18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!””
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) “Everybody's got to believe in something, I believe I'll have another drink.”
- W. C. Fields

X-RATED RIDDLES

2007-05-01T20:42:00.000-04:00

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About two inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

“Like you’re One To Talk”

2007-04-13T13:20:00.001-04:00

Don Imus of CBS radio was terminated as a result of making racist/sexist comments about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. His exact statement was “That's some nappy-headed hos there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some -- woo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like -- kinda like -- I don't know.” After this statement was turned over to Media Matters for America, you could set your watch to when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would jump on this issue. On April 9, Imus appeared on Sharpton's syndicated radio talk show to address the controversy. Sharpton called the comments "abominable", "racist", and "sexist", and repeated his earlier demand that Imus be fired and that he apologize for what he did. Well now, let’s look at what happened in 1987 during the Tawana Brawley case. Sharpton, along with Alton H. Maddox and lawyer C. Vernon Mason had defamed state attorney general Steven Pagones, saying that he was apart of Brawley’s claims to be raped, sodomized and left in a trash can. It took the grand jury of New York eight months to come to the conclusion that Brawley had fabricated her story. The jury awarded Pagones $345,000 in damages. To this very day, Sharpton has not apologized for defaming Pagones. These may be two different stories, but if you do something that will no doubt cause serious back lash, you’d better apologize on the spot, because if you don’t, you’ll never hear the end of it. Imus did apologize, but the way I see it, his days in radio are over. Throw the nail in the coffin, he’s easily replaceable as far as I’m concerned.

Interesting facts

2007-04-08T22:27:00.000-04:00

• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and"lollipop" with your right.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt”.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
• If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

“Daytona To Lakeland”

2007-03-24T11:20:00.002-04:00

At around 2:10 on Friday, I got into a cab to the Grey Hound station a few miles away from the Orientation and Adjustment center. I arrived at the station, the cab driver was nice enough to escort me to the station. I got my ticket and waited until the bus came. While I was waiting for the bus, some drunk asshole was acting up, a man threatened to call the police. I didn’t think much of it until I was on the bus. I put on my iPod and took a nap. The phrase "rude awakening" came true, as these two guys, one guy was black, and the drunk guy were fighting, both verbally and physically. Let me just say this, when two people on a public bus are yelling stuff like "I didn’t call you nigga motherfucker, you a faggot..." there is no snooze button on that one, you’re up and alert. As these guys were fighting, and as the bus was pulled over for the cops, I was thinking that one of the guys might have a gun, this could be the bus version of what Colin Ferguson did all those years ago. The trooper gets on the bus, and says "You with the dorag, up." The sober guy went off smoothly, however, the second guy was so drunk, or stoned, he fell off the steps. He was either drunk with Alcohol, fear, or complete foolishness. By his gate, all of the above. They got removed from the bus and it was smooth sailing from there on out. Got off the bus at around 8:20, ate some food, then went inside the establishment. Took my seat, met some cool people, and the show was good. The first guy named Schuli did some stuff. He was doing good, then he began to lag, and this was a particular croud that wasn’t afraid to let him know just how they felt. Schuli brought out Ronnie the Limo Driver, who wouldn’t do his catch phrase "Let’s fuck some whores." He finally did, it was like pulling teeth...Gary DellAbate’s teeth that is. Schuli left the stage shortly there after, Richard Christy was up next. Richard was drunk, but he had some great lines. He was talking about cregslist.com, where you can post what you saw while you were out. "I saw you get off a short yellow bus...you had on a pink helmit, you were biting your watch...call me!" After Richard came Sal the Stockbroker, who was hilarious. After Sal was the Rev. Bob Levy, who was great. Then came Artie, who got a lot of love from the fans. Artie was on fire, he had a great set. At the end of the show, they had Sal put on the Bababbooey mask, Sal was pretty tanked though, as he hurt his wrist while on stage. He gave the okay sign, and the show ended. After the show I hung with some fellow Stern/Bubba fans, then my folks picked me up.

“My First True Night Out As An Adult”

2007-03-16T23:15:00.000-04:00

Around four this after noon, one of my friends named Josh told me that he was going to go to the beach tonight, and asked me if I wanted to come along. I wasn’t all that sure about it, but after he said that they got grub and girls there, you might of as well told me a Root Beer factory was being constructed next door to me. Fast-foward to four hours and forty-five minutes later. Me, Josh, Larone, and Elven are in a cab on our way to the event. We get out, and we automatically get going. The beach was packed with it being Spring break, lots of people throwing back the licker, sourt of like how I throw back the Root Beer. About forty minutes later, the four of us (Josh called us “The Four Blind Mice”) sat down at a table, ordered some drinks (I was the only one to order some food to go with it. They didn’t have Root Beer, so I had to go with what they had. As I’m finishing up my chicken strips and Pepsi, one of the guys says “Hey, let’s go to the Pink Poney.” I asked what that was, and as soon as he told me it was a strip club, you might of as well told me Phil Hendrie was coming back to radio. We get there, the bouncer says you have to be twenty-one or older. Larone or Elven, I can’t remember who it was, was apologizing to me, he knew I was looking foward to going to my first strip club. The cab driver was nice about it, he gave me a free ride back to the center as long as I kept quiet about the situation. Aside from being denied entrence at the strip club, it was a fun night.

“Sacha Baron Cohen”

2007-03-02T10:28:00.000-05:00

Sacha Baron Cohen is sourt of like a British Phil Hendrie, except it’s visually driven. Cohen’s most popular character, named Borat, is a journalist from Kazakhstan. Borat comes from a very unusual background. He was born on July 30, 1972 in Kusek, Kazakhstan
. . He is the son of Asimbala Sagdiyev and Boltok the Rapist, who is also his maternal grandfather. He is also the former husband of Oksana Sagdiyev, who was the daughter of Mariam Tuyakbay and Boltok the Rapist. His relationship with his mother seems to be unpleasant, and Borat has commented that "she wishes she was raped by another man." "She never hugged me," "she wished I was never born," "she doesn't love me" are some further comments Borat makes concerning his mother (though while being drunk). Borat has a sister named Natalya, regarded as the fourth-best prostitute in Kazakhstan (and best "sex-in-mouth"). . He also has a younger brother named Bilo, who is mentally retarded and must be kept locked behind a metal door or in a cage. Bilo also has a pouch where he stores all the porno he looks at inside. In an interview, Borat said, "My brother Bilo has a small head but very strong arms. He have 204 teeth (193 in mouth 11 in nose)! You can do anything to him - he do not remember nothing! He is a sex
crazy ... all day long he in his cage look on porno & rub rub rub." Borat is a journalist who travels to Britin and America to learn about the cultures of each country. He interviews regular every day people, who have no idea that he is just messing with them. At a car dealership, he once asked the salesman, "Where do you put the pussy magnits?" to which the salesman responds "Oh, you want a corvet."

“Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”

2007-03-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

This "gameshow", if you can call it that, is the latest pyle of squalor to grace the FOX network. Why do they have to have Jeff Foxworthy host this show? Couldn’t they get someone cooler like...I don’t know, Seth MacFarlane? This is one of those shows that’s like that horrible crash on the side of the road. It’s so bad, yet you can’t look away. If you lose on national television to a fifth grader, you should really reconsider your plite in life. It’s only a matter of time before Rupert Murdoch goes insane and blows his brains out. It’s bad enough FOX has garbage like American Idol and other "reallity TV" shows, this doesn’t make it any better. The only reason I watch FOX is because of "Family Guy", and every now and then "American Dad".

“Technology Today”

2007-02-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

Technology has progressed over the years, and with each new generation, it gets smaller and smaller. First there was the record. Thirty-three and 1/3, forty-fives, and seventy-eights were what you had to deal with. Then there were casettes which were cool, then we had eight-track, then came the compact disc. The compact disc is slowly fading away, in order to make way for MP3 players like the iPod. Not much technology for videos really, first there was Beta, then VHS, now it’s all about DVDS. Same thing with video games: first there was stuff like the ColecoVision, the Atari, and the Commodore 64, then came the Nintendo. Then came Sega, along with many variations of it. Sega crawled to it’s death in 2001, as Sony killed them with the Playstation 2. Microsoft released the XBOX, and the XBOX 360. With music though, it seems that one of these days, you’ll be able to buy a MP3 player that is about the size of a container of chapstick, and is able to wake up your neighbours with just a flip of a switch.

Fuck The FCAT”

2007-02-27T10:18:00.000-05:00

This is probably one of the stupidest things to hit Florida schools in history. This test was issued state wide in 1998, and was made worse by former governer of Florida Jeb Bush. The test consists of a writing portion, a math portion, a reading portion, and for the 11th graders, a science portion. The Math, writing, and Science portions aren’t a problem, however, the reading portion is difficult. They purposefully give you boring articles that are about as big as MJ Kelli’s ego, and they expect you to know this stuff. No wonder kids today are so dumb, we’re reading about guys who collect golf balls from under the sea, among other pointless articles we have no intention of caring about. If anything, they should give you articles about current events, make the kids think about what’s going on in the real world, give them stuff about the Iraq war, give them stuff about people in Congress, something that's relevant to today's news. Don’t make it all just multiple choice and essay questions, give them opinion questions. If the test is so important that it’s a requirement in order to graduate High school, let’s see Jeb Bush try and pass the FCAT. Here’s a better idea, let’s give our elected officials the FCAT and see just how well they do. No question about it, Charlie Crist would kick Jeb’s ass in not only the FCAT, but also in a Spelling contest.

“The Genius That Is Seth MacFarlane”

2007-02-23T06:59:00.000-05:00

You talk about a multi-talented individual, Seth MacFarlane is a walking talent machine. Seth is the brains behind "Family Guy" and "American Dad!" They may be two different shows, but the genius of Seth is in both animated hits. "Family Guy" focuses on the adventures of the Griffin family (Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Bryan...whose the other one? Just kidding, I know it’s Meg), as well as other citizens of Quahog, Road Island. Seth’s other project is "American dad", which is based on Stan Smith, a CIA agent, and his family and friends. On "The Simpsons", you’re not gonna hear Santa’s Little Helper say to Moe ": Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?" "The Simpsons" have had there fun, "Family Guy" is my new favorite show. That being said, I will poney up the green when "The Simpsons Movie" comes out in July.

“Tim Hardaway”

2007-02-20T11:05:00.001-05:00

Recently, John Amaechi announced that he was a homosexual. When Hardaway was asked about it by Dan Le Batard on "The Ticket Radio Show" on a Miami radio station, Tim said "First of all I wouldn’t want him on my team. Second of all, if he was on my team I would really distance myself from him because I don’t think that’s right and I don’t think he should be in the locker room when we’re in the locker room. Something has to give, If you have 12 other ballplayers in your locker room that's upset and can't concentrate and always worried about him in the locker room or on the court or whatever, it's going to be hard for your teammates to win and accept him as a teammate." Honestly, what kind of mentality does this guy have? What kind of morals does this man have, if he has any at all? America is about Freedom, and this is the only Country you can say that your gay and people understand that. So what if he’s gay, that doesn’t make him any different from the next guy on the court. His blood is just as red as yours is, that doesn’t mean you should judge him for who he is. You may be different on the outside, but on the inside, we’re all the same. No matter what your race or nationality, you’re still equal.

“Howard Stern’s Radio Rivals”

2007-02-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

Ever since the early 1980’s, a feud with Howard Stern and Don Imus has been going on. Howard’s father sent him tapes of Imus. Howard thought it was the worst radio he had ever heard, and proceeded to beat Imus in the ratings books, making Howard #1. After this, Imus would then go on to wrip off Howard’s act. After Stern was cindicated to big markets like Philadelphia and Los Angeles, it was Howard against all the local morning shows of the markets he was in, and he left them in the dust. In July of 1994, Mancow on WRCX (formerly Rock 103.5) in Chicago, started a bidder feud with Howard which has gone on for a long time. One of the things Mancow once did was send Howard a package of human manure, which was pretty much the initiation of the Stern/Mancow clash. After Mancow’s father expired from cancer in 1995, Howard made fun of the event, saying how he wanted to have sex with Mancow’s father’s cadaver’s skull. When word got to Mancow, he and Howard had a big yelling match on the air on August 8, 1995. Sometime in 1994, Anthony Cumia from the Opie and Anthony show stopped by to do some impressions of stand-up comedians such as Stern show regular Jackie "The Joke man" Martling and Sam Kinison, both of which Howard approved of. Shortly there after, when Anthony teamed up with Opie, they did reffrence Howard as an influence, but they through him under the bus, calling him a wash up. On the September 3, 2002 episode of the Stern show, Howard was on the air talking about his retreat in the Hamptons. He said that while he was working out with Stuttering John, it was announced that Bubba The Love Sponge was coming to Hartford Connecticut. The station then proceeded to play an excerpt of a bit that was a parody of "Sesame Street" called "Sodomy Street". Howard didn’t like the bit, and proceeded to trash Bubba on the air, saying how he was as old as Howard was, and how Bubba was just another Howard wannabe. Little did he know that, he would eventually end up making Bubba apart of his Satellite Radio show on Sirius. What baffels me is that a lot of these shock jocks are influenced by Howard Stern, yet they trash him on the air. No one in morning radio, whether it’d be Bob and Tom, whether it’d be John Boy and Billy, it doesn’t matter who it is that does morning radio, no one is more entertaining and compelling, not to mention, extremely talented than Howard Stern is, hands down.

What Happened To All The good Music?

2007-02-08T15:01:00.000-05:00

Music today is full of ridiculous songs by mediocre artists. Music went from lyrics such as "The human race was dyin' out.
No one left to scream and shout.
People walking on the moon.
Smog will get you pretty soon." By The dorrs, to "Operator oh could you help me place this call
See the number on the matchbook is old and faded
She's living in L.A. with my best old ex-friend Ray
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated." by Jim Croce, now it’s stuff like "
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skeet skeet motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skeet skeet got dam (Got
dam)" by Lil' Jon & The Eastside Boyz. All the good talented guys are dead (Jim Croce, Jim Morrison, and Otis Redding) just to name a few. It’s only a matter of time before Mitch Bainwol blows his brains out in disgust over these new "tunes" coming out by these artists who get too much attention.

The Lottery

2007-02-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

Every Wednesday and Saturday, six numbers are selected at random for big money. If you have a ticket that has these numbers, you have won. This is honestly the biggest scam ever. You go into a store, you pay at least two dollars for something that might be worth a million dollars or more. Some people who win the lottery do deserve that money, however, some people, like Jack Whittaker are foolish with their cash. The Florida lottery for a time had 49 numbers, then in 1999, they added four more numbers, as if that would help you win. It was already hard enough to get those six numbers to begin with, now it’s even harder. If I want a million dollars, I will work until I get it, even if I’m nothing but flesh and bone when all is said and done. The lottery is the lazy man’s way of getting big money, plane and simple.

“What Happened to Freedom of Speech in America?”

2007-02-06T12:57:00.001-05:00

Our society is full of a bunch of lightweights who can’t handle freedom of speech. Back in 1973, New York radio station WBAI played George Carlin’s "Filthy Words" bit from his album "Occupation: Foole", uncensored. A man was listening to the bit with his son and complained to the FCC about it because his son had heard the bit. It took the FCC five years to rule that the words were indecent. In 1992, Howard Stern was fined $600,000 by the FCC, just for saying he had masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima. . His exact statement was, "The closest I came to making love to a black woman was I, uh, masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima on a pancake box. I did it right on her kerchief." To this day, Howard is the highest fined Radio personality in America, with fines totaling up to at least $1,000,000.00. On January 27, 2004, radio personality Bubba The Love sponge, famous for broadcasting the killing of a pig named Andy, was issued a fine from the FCC, totaling $755,000.00, making him the second highest fined broadcaster. Douglas Vanderlaan of Jacksonville, Florida complained about seven different segments that were "offensive". One such segment included a bit where various Cartoon characters engaged in conversations about drugs and sex. The first portion of the bit contained a parody of Scooby-Doo, where Scooby suggests that Shaggy suck dick for crack. The second segment featured a "Fat Albert" parody, in which Fat Albert, known as "Fat diddy-Daddy" in this case, gets killed in a drive-by after bragging that, "Last night, Jennifer Lopez was sucking Diddy-Daddy's dick." the next segment featured a spoof of "The Jetsons", in which George tells Jane he doesn't need Viagra anymore, and that he now has a "Spacely Sprocket Cockring." He flips a switch to demonstrate it, but it malfunctions, leading for George to end the skit with his famous catchphrase "Jane, stop this crazy thing!" The last segment features a parody of "Alvin And The chipmunks". Alvin is frustrated because he hasn't been laid in almost six weeks. One of the chipmunks says it's probably because of, "That fucking pussy music we play", and suggests that if they wanna get the bitches, they play more kick ass music. It then segways into a parody of "Chocolate Salty Balls" by Chef from "South Park", to "Furry Chipmunk Balls", where the chipmunks instruct a female chipmunk to "Put'em in your mouth and suck'em", followed by the line of "Filthy chipmunk whore." The segment ends after the claim that "they taste like pistachios", and that they're warm and fuzzy. Vanderlaan’s complaint was that since it featured cartoon characters, children would tune in, and FCC chairman Kevin Martin agrees, as does/did former FCC chairman Michael Powell. Just because a guy says a few shocking things on the radio doesn't mean that it's going to cause any big problems. This bullshit about kids might listen...whatever, the average kid is exposed to much worse in their schools. Most kids in today's society around the age of 12-15 are well aware of sex and sexual devices. It seems that if you want freedom of speech you have to pay for it, freedom just isn’t free anymore. Our Founding Fathers would turn over in their graves if they knew what was happening to our freedom. When Howard Stern was on regular radio and talked about tossing salad (prison term for eating someone’s asshole), Tom Chiusano couldn't hit the dump button fast enough. When Oprah does it, it’s past off as educational. Howard's program isn't educational? If anything, Oprah should be fined, as she’s on regular TV. Censorship is wrong, it needs to stop, no wonder Phil Hendrie jumpped ship when he did.

"The CBS Evening News”

2007-01-29T13:39:00.000-05:00

The CBS news has hit an all-time low, more so than before. They hired Katie Couric formerly from “The Today Show” on NBC to do the Evening News. Her frisky attitude may have worked in the morning hours when people are just waking up, but this is "The CBS Evening News", people are getting home from a long day at the office, people need to wind down and relax. She’s that kind of person you want to smack around for being so vivacious. She would be better off as a kindergarten teacher, as the way she presents the news makes it almost seem like she’s addressing a bunch of kindergarteners, as opposed to grown adults. He may not be the greatest guy in TV Journalism, but Dan Rather is much better than Katie Couric when it comes to doing "The CBS Evening News". I’m surprised Walter Cronkite hasn’t suffered from dementia as a result of watching this rubbish.

“Celebs Are no Better Than The Average Citizen”

2007-01-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

If there’s one thing we as Americans don’t want to know about, it’s about Celebrities and their personal lives. They don’t care about us, we shouldn't care about them. No one cares about T.R. Nightly’s sexual orientation, no one cares if Mel Gibson is anti-semetic, no one cares if Britney Spears is having a kid, it’ll just turn out to be a special needs kid the world shouldn’t have to deal with. There are far more important things to concentrate on like the war and terrorism, celebrities are not important. Just because you’re on the cover of "People" or "Playboy" magazine doesn’t mean you’re the next big thing, you just happen to be famous, and just because your famous, doesn’t mean that you should get special treatment (first class seating on an airplain, for example). Just because your famous doesn’t mean you get a free pass for anything. What these celebrities need to do is to just do their jobs as actors, musicians or directors, keep the public happy, and keep their fat mouths shut!

Catholic Priests and Average Citizens

2007-01-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

It seems that, whenever an average Joe citizen gets caught molesting a child, everyone is up in arms over the matter and take action to get the sack of garbage out of their neighborhood as soon as possible. Now when a Catholic priest does it, it’s a totally different story, as they get moved to the new Church a mile away. Catholic priests should not get a pass just because they preach the word of God, they should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Back in the day God used to do cool stuff like move a rock, burn a bush, so the story says. If there truly is a God, he needs to do something about these "priests". At least the priests have the sense to not garrote their victims when it’s over. The end result of the 2005 Michael Jackson trial was almost like a situation at the Catholic church. Jackson is famous, so therefore, he doesn’t look like the kind of guy to do that, so let’s just clear him of all charges, it’ll make the supporters happy. The only similarity is that Jackson and the priests have never once spent a single day in jail. If you’re a public figure and you molest someone, you shouldn’t pay off the parents as a way of saying you’re sorry for what you did. A check for $100,000,000.00 won’t take away the years of trama of being molested. The next priest that molests a child will no doubt be transferred to the Parish across town, when he should be transferred from Church to Police car, from police car to police station, from station to court room, from court room to prison, from prison to grave.

Lenny Bruce

2007-01-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

In the late 1950’s and early 1960’s, there was a comedian named Lenny Bruce. He was a groundbreaking comic for his time. Others have been influenced by him like big name comedians George Carlin and Robert Schimmel, as well as big name radio hosts Howard Stern, as well as retired funnyman Phil Hendrie. The men I’ve mentioned above have made me laugh over the years, however, Bruce is a totally different glass of water. Maybe it is the timing, but it’s also the way he delivers the material that I have a problem with. I bought one of his albums to hopefully add to my collection and expand my comedy library. However, my expectations fell quicker than a feather off of the Empire State Building, as the CD didn’t make me laugh, not even once. His most famous bit is "The Palladium", I think it’s the worst 20:05 on a CD.

“Sports Figures Gone Wild”

2007-01-19T11:35:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years, some big name sports players have been known to make incredibly stupid decisions (Randy Moss rubbing his rear-end on the goal post, Terrell Owens letting all that fame and glory go to his head, Kobe Bryant’s "rape" charges), etc. The latest in sports news is about Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Dwayne Vick. While Vick was at Miami International Airport on Wednesday, he gave up a water bottle that smelled a little like marijuana. While no charges have been filed as of yet, police are investigating the contense of the bottle. If this is the case, the NFL will most likely bar him for a period of time, then let him back in the game. Not good enough, bann him from the sport. The same should’ve been done with Ricky Williams. This isn’t the first time Vick has been down "Controversy Avenue". In March of 2005, a woman named Sonya Elliot filed a civil lawsuit against Vick alleging she contracted genital herpes from Vick and that he failed to inform her that he had the disease. Elliot further alleged that Vick had visited clinics under the alias "Ron Mexico" to get treatments and thus knew of his condition. On November 26, 2006 After a Falcons loss to the New Orleans Saints in the Georgia Dome, Vick made an obscene gesture at Atlanta fans, holding up two middle fingers. Vick has said, "I'm sorry and I apologize to all the young kids and to whoever saw me make that gesture. I just let my emotions get the best of me in that situation and it won't happen again." He may be honest with that statement, but it’s still unexceptable. So you lost against the Saints 31-13, big deal. You can’t win them all.

"The Wrechedness That Is American Idol"

2007-01-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

"Our Society In Entertainment Part 1 - American Idol"

Our society must be intensely despret for entertainment, as the shows, movies, and news coverage has been anything but entertaining. On TV, the Fox network has thrown a tun of successful shows at us like "the Simpsons", "Family Guy", "American Dad", and even "American Idol". That being said, Fox has also had some shows that were so horrible, it would make the stench of a dead body smell like a freshly moed yard. One of Fox’s more successful shows is "American Idol". This relates back to how despret we must be for entertainment, as we have Ryan Seacrest as the host, who has the personality of a college student with a severe sugar rush, but possesses the talent of a dear in the headlights. One of the main judges, a British man named Simon Cowell is probably the only good thing about the show. He’s blunt and pulls no punches with the people who try and belt out a tune, only to be told how dire they are for trying. However, his insults do get rather old. Next we have former base player and record producer Randy Jackson, his whole "dog" thing is worn out. Finally, they got Paula Abdul, who if you were to look at now, you would think she hung out with Sean Pen on the set of "Fast Times" a little too much.

Ding-dong, the dick is dead

2006-12-30T15:40:00.000-05:00

No I don't need any viagra, Saddam was officially put to death last night. I wish a pack of wild bores killed him, like as reffrenced in the opening sceen of the South Park movie.

R,I,P James Brown, the Godfather of Soul

2006-12-25T04:54:00.000-05:00

James Brown lays down for a dirt nap

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- James Brown, the dynamic, pompadoured "Godfather of Soul," whose rasping vocals and revolutionary rhythms made him a founder of rap, funk and disco as well, died early Monday, his agent said. He was 73.

Brown was hospitalized with pneumonia at Emory Crawford Long Hospital on Sunday and died around 1:45 a.m. Monday, said his agent, Frank Copsidas of IntrigueMusic. Longtime friend Charles Bobbit was by his side, he said.
Copsidas said Brown's family was being notified of his death and that the cause was still uncertain. "We really don't know at this point what he died of,"he said.
Along with Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan and a handful of others, Brown was one of the major musical influences of the past 50 years. At least one generationidolized him, and sometimes openly copied him. His rapid-footed dancing inspired Mick Jagger and Michael Jackson among others. Songs such as David Bowie's"Fame," Prince's "Kiss," George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" and Sly and the Family Stone's "Sing a Simple Song" were clearly based on Brown's rhythms and vocalstyle.
If Brown's claim to the invention of soul can be challenged by fans of Ray Charles and Sam Cooke, then his rights to the genres of rap, disco and funkare beyond question. He was to rhythm and dance music what Dylan was to lyrics: the unchallenged popular innovator.
"James presented obviously the best grooves," rapper Chuck D of Public Enemy once told The Associated Press. "To this day, there has been no one near as funky. No one's coming even close."
His hit singles include such classics as "Out of Sight," "(Get Up I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine," "I Got You (I Feel Good)" and "Say It Out Loud --I'm Black and I'm Proud," a landmark 1968 statement of racial pride.
"I clearly remember we were calling ourselves colored, and after the song, we were calling ourselves black," Brown said in a 2003 Associated Press interview."The song showed even people to that day that lyrics and music and a song can change society."
He won a Grammy award for lifetime achievement in 1992, as well as Grammys in 1965 for "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" (best R&B recording) and for "LivingIn America" in 1987 (best R&B vocal performance, male.) He was one of the initial artists inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1986, along withPresley, Chuck Berry and other founding fathers.
He triumphed despite an often unhappy personal life. Brown, who lived in Beech Island near the Georgia line, spent more than two years in a South Carolina prison for aggravated assault and failing to stop for a police officer. After his release in 1991, Brown said he wanted to "try to straighten out" rock music.
From the 1950s, when Brown had his first R&B hit, "Please, Please, Please" in 1956, through the mid-1970s, Brown went on a frenzy of cross-country tours,concerts and new songs. He earned the nickname "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business."
With his tight pants, shimmering feet, eye makeup and outrageous hair, Brown set the stage for younger stars such as Michael Jackson and Prince.
In 1986, he was inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And rap stars of recent years overwhelmingly have borrowed his lyrics with a digital techniquecalled sampling.
Brown's work has been replayed by the Fat Boys, Ice-T, Public Enemy and a host of other rappers. "The music out there is only as good as my last record,"Brown joked in a 1989 interview with Rolling Stone magazine.
"Disco is James Brown, hip-hop is James Brown, rap is James Brown; you know what I'm saying? You hear all the rappers, 90 percent of their music is me,"he told the AP in 2003.
Born in poverty in Barnwell, South Carolina, in 1933, he was abandoned as a 4-year-old to the care of relatives and friends and grew up on the streetsof Augusta, Georgia, in an "ill-repute area," as he once called it. There he learned to wheel and deal.
"I wanted to be somebody," Brown said.
By the eighth grade in 1949, Brown had served 31/2 years in Alto Reform School near Toccoa, Ga., for breaking into cars.
While there, he met Bobby Byrd, whose family took Brown into their home. Byrd also took Brown into his group, the Gospel Starlighters. Soon they changedtheir name to the Famous Flames and their style to hard R&B.
In January 1956, King Records of Cincinnati signed the group, and four months later "Please, Please, Please" was in the R&B Top Ten.
While most of Brown's life was glitz and glitter, he was plagued with charges of abusing drugs and alcohol and of hitting his third wife, Adrienne.
In September 1988, Brown, high on PCP and carrying a shotgun, entered an insurance seminar next to his Augusta office. Police said he asked seminar participantsif they were using his private restroom.
Police chased Brown for a half-hour from Augusta into South Carolina and back to Georgia. The chase ended when police shot out the tires of his truck.
Brown received a six-year prison sentence. He spent 15 months in a South Carolina prison and 10 months in a work release program before being paroled inFebruary 1991. In 2003, the South Carolina parole board granted him a pardon for his crimes in that state.
Soon after his release, Brown was on stage again with an audience that included millions of cable television viewers nationwide who watched the three-hour,pay-per-view concert at Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles.
Adrienne Brown died in 1996 in Los Angeles at age 47. She took PCP and several prescription drugs while she had a bad heart and was weak from cosmeticsurgery two days earlier, the coroner said.
More recently, he married his fourth wife, Tomi Raye Hynie, one of his backup singers. The couple had a son, James Jr.
Two years later, Brown spent a week in a private Columbia hospital, recovering from what his agent said was dependency on painkillers. Brown's attorney,Albert "Buddy" Dallas, said singer was exhausted from six years of road shows.
Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Music From the past

2006-12-14T09:27:00.000-05:00

Check out this great website where you click on the year, and it will play the top 20 songs from that year.

http://tropicalglen.com/

The Most unrealistic Christmas wish

2006-11-30T17:36:00.000-05:00

It seems in every Christmas song, the artist always wishes for World Piece. While that is a nice idea, it's not going to happen very easily. Some Ragheads will have to be killed before we can continue on with our mition.

"Celebrity Jeopardy"

2006-11-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

This is hilarious.

http://mrt300.ods.org/snl/view.php?jeopardy

Thirty-two phrases that describe idiots

2006-08-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Movie Reccomendation

2006-08-06T22:50:00.000-04:00

I don't normally recommend movies, but I'd highly recommend this one: "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby". Its a great movie that pokes fun at nascar, there's something in it for everyone.

Great Joke

2006-08-04T16:26:00.000-04:00

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly,someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"

Fast-food Commentary

2006-07-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

Whenever you pull into your favorite fast-food establishment, you notice that there are four different kinds of customers:
• The customer who doesn’t know what he or she would like.
• The customer who yells out his or her order.
• The customer who orders at least twenty things off the menue.
• The customer who knows just what they want.
Saddly, I mostly encounter types 1, 2, and 3. I’m lucky if I can find the fourth kind of customer, which is what my Dad is; he’s a man who knows exactly what he wants. I would now like to give you a situation that I’m sure you’re all familiar with. This describes customer 1.
You’re sitting in your car, you’ve rolled the window down, you know what you want to eat, and you’re ready to go. That’s when the nightmare begins: The car in front of you has a moron behind the wheel, one who obviously can not make up his or her mind of what they want to eat. Its time that the fast-food establishments of America take a stand: We should enforce the thirty second shot clock. You pull up to the window, and as soon as you give your order, the clock starts. If you can’t make up your mind, whatever you requested first will come out. If you can’t make up your mind about a meal, I don’t wanna know what you’re like when it comes to important business decisions.
Now, on to the second type of customer, the individual that screams their order. I know there’s ten cars behind you, but look it, this isn’t a rock concert, this is a place where people get food, so settle down there, Bon Scott. Save your party voice for the weekend if at all possible.
Then there’s the third type of customer: The individual who orders twenty or so different items from the menu. Hey fatso, go inside and handle your order, don’t sit in your car and increase your heart attack potential by talking up a storm with your order. If you want a bunch of food items in one place, the grocery store is down the street, go there. Besides, your arteries are damaged already, why eat at a place where you know you’re just signing your death warrant every time you pop a French fry in your mouth?
Not much can be said about customer type 4, except that they know what they want, and if they don’t get exactly what they ordered, they’ll let the manager know about it.

“South Park” does a spin on a kid’s song

2006-07-21T22:57:00.000-04:00

When we were kids, we had tunes like “Mrs. Lucy Had A Steamboat”, “Everybodys doing it doing it…”, and the ever-popular “Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robbin laid an egg”… You get the idea. Here’s what happened when “Mrs. Lucy Had A Steamboat” got the “South Park” treatment.

“Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!” - Wendy Testaburger

July 20, 1969

2006-07-20T10:28:00.000-04:00

Today is a historical day, as thirty-seven years ago, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the Moon. Here's what Wikipedia offers on the event:

Project Apollo: Apollo 11 lands on the Moon.

This accomplishment overshadowed the fact that a Cease fire was announced between Honduras and El Salvador, 6 days after the beginning of the "Football War".

"It Happened", part 1

2006-07-19T16:35:00.000-04:00

This is something my friend Nick wrote, check it out.

Chapter 1
The Bowels of the So Called Hell

It happened… The walls began to close around me. I felt a need. A need for someone, anyone to be with me. My emotions ran rampant, my nerves were shot, fear welled up inside me to the point that I thought I would burst. I realized everything I ever had, everything I achieved, was about to be crushed between the palms of death. I felt dizzy with fear. I began to slip away slowly before satins hands crushed my every whim and threw me into hell like a hellatious ball of fire. God reached for my hand outstretched to take me to the garden of bountiful fruits. A cornucopia of peace, hospitality, and righteousness called afterlife.

I awoke the next morning hoping for an expectation of wondrous proportions only to find that I was staring at a ceiling that seemed different than what I expected. It was stained by old age to the point that it could fall at any second. I sat up only to discover that the room had a gaping hole where a wall used to be. I pondered the thought could I really be in the lords grasp or was I torn away at the last second to wander through satins abyss of a world. Where was I? What was this place? And what awaits me beyond this hellhole?

I would soon find out.

I checked around the room looking for anything to keep my mind of that subject. A small bathroom in the corner could have a few things to answer my questions. The mirror had a large shard missing. I winched open the medicine cabinet and to my surprise there were prescription bottles, but I shuddered at what I saw.

I almost lost it when I read the label.
Rx. #49274404
Ph. Bala K. Rao
Potassium Phosphate
Edgar A. Williams
Directions: Take two tablets twice daily. If problems persist consult current Ph.
Refill 9/15/2053

I started running myself in circles. Was it a typo or was I bound to a fate I could never dream of. A fate to end all fates or was I dreaming of a better place and awoke to find a shit of a destiny.

The stairs were crumbling like piece of burnt charcoal. A tapestry along the entrance to the foyer was worn extremely smooth by hands sliding across it. I could almost reach out and feel their hands slide across mine. The kitchen had a strange aura. I could smell, see, and even taste the staple on the oak table, worn from sliding plates across it. I could sense the presence of children laughing, parents nagging not to chew with your mouth open, and teens gossiping. The comforts of a family I lost yesterday, yet gone 46 years ago.

I felt strange. Like a feeling someone was peering over my shoulder, watching my every move.
I tried to shake the feeling off, but had no luck. I muttered to myself that my imagination would be the end of me. I finally made the greatest decision of my life.

I edged though the massive entry flaked with cobwebs that made it appear as if the walls were painted white. The door was rusted shut. I jerked it but it stuck fast. I looked around for an item to aid me. I searched throughout the bottom floor, but to my surprise I walked past the fireplace poker three times before it caught a glimpse of it.

I reached the door and began to jab the knob. It took no time at all. The air outside felt cool to the touch. It was like a hand of god sweeping across my body, a gentle caress of a mild snow cutting through the sun to bring upon a glistening white blanket of laughter, entertainment, and beauty.

Tis the ground was not covered in snow. It was covered in a slough of cans, metal, and strange and almost ethereal devices. The question was still lingering in my mind. Where the hell am I!

Reaching down to pick up a can, an object caught my eye. Viewing it closely I noticed a strange essence leaking from within. Mustering my courage I touched the strange gas. It felt uplifting, bringing hope like a train in an endless tunnel knowing, believing there was another side, to which it could taste the pure feeling of freedom. I snapped out of the feeling and managed to pull away before I was engulfed to the point I would never want to release the fantasy, for it could be a test, a test to realize nothing was as thought to be, showing my life could be a lie.

Continuing on my trek to find civilization, I noticed similarities to a city I have seen before. It was if I was being gagged and bound. I could not think of the name as if it was wiped from my memory. Anger welled inside me. I fought to remember the main detail, the god damn name. The last thing I saw tore the name from the bowels of my mind.

It was the Statue of Liberty

It wasn’t like the other stories I‘ve read. The Statue was not mutilated beyond belief, it was like a wonderful artwork, better than it has ever been seen beyond my vision of years of viewing from afar and near, from pictures, photos, and beautiful art work. The only single thing different appeared to be strange tubes connecting to a dome surrounding the base of the island. The water close to the island, which was about a hundred meter radius of each tube, was completely crystal clear. It appeared to be a water cleansing plant for the sea water.

I could only imagine what was within that fortress… or how to get in.
I crept up for a closer look at this amazing structure which astounded me so. I edged towards the bay, making sure not to give myself away, who knows how hostile they could be. Not to mention if they were in human. I realized what a fool I was being. There couldn’t be extra-terrestrials living on earth, that is just some damn crackpots way of saying “god doesn’t exist so I’m a friggin idiot and prayin for a star to fall on my ass.” That is what I don’t believe though. I believe the lord took me by his own free will. I pray this is not purgatory.

I couldn’t believe that everything was destroyed. Yet Lady Liberty was not in shambles it stood tall and proud like an icon of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That didn’t answer my question though.

As I walked about in the shadows I heard a strange noise behind me. I spun around quickly only to find a fallen piece of debris had been dislodged from a wall. I realized that it couldn’t have dislodged on its own. I franticly turned again but found myself staring at a figure in the shadows. I slowly edged backwards, but it was too late. Feeling tired I looked down and saw a strange mark on my leg. It was dripping with a thick yellow liquid and oozing with my blood. I fell to my knees, and my last words before I passed out were “are you the one sent to kill me, for I am already dead.”

The horrible truth was that I was not put out of my misery; I was going to feel the confusion of a hermit crab without a shell.

Chapter 2
In Lady Liberty?

As I awoke, I gazed at my surroundings, but to my surprise the so called cell I was within was nothing as I expected. The walls were a beautiful blue and lined with a gorgeous trim. A sparkling porcelain toilet with crystal clear water was in a private room. Next to the toilet in the five star bathroom lied a shower covered in a strange tile that appeared to glow with colors overlapping and changing. The bed was an amazing gold threaded bedspread and glistening red pillows placed accurately across the top, but I did notice a keypad in the middle of the room. It seemed just like a computer without a screen. My curiosity got the best of me. I reached for the item not knowing what it was or what it was capable of. Could it be a trap or a key to get out of this room, only time would tell? The on switch was to the right underneath the key pad. With a flip of the switch a person appeared from a hole within the keypad. It must be a hologram. It was a voice activated type for when I spoke it answered.

I am here and have been programmed to fulfill your questions.

So you’re basically a genie.

Not quite, but I can answer many questions programmed within me.

The first question I was prone to know was where the hell I am.

The person began to reply.

The world you used to live in was a world of fantasy, a world of hope, a world of deception. That world never existed in the first place. People try to escape this world hoping that would solve their problems, yet to dream your life so far, only lasted thirty days in the true world you are in now, you have to understand once you reach the age you started dreaming, you wake up, to find you remember nothing of the life before going to sleep. It is a way of forgetting the past, forgetting the losses, and to forget the world.

My next question will now be what happened to this world.

You ask a very troubling question, but if I tell you may wish you never want to have awoke.

I’m ready for anything.

Very well, it started as a particularly pleasant day. The birds were chirping wondrous vocals that a quire could not have matched. Central park was full of life, young children playing and frolicking, Preteens having bicycle rides to decide who would pay for ice cream. The pond was almost a blue color. If you watch closely you can see carp swimming near the bank, awaiting a dropped sandwich or a handful of bread crumbs from a wandering child’s hand. It happened unnoticed by many people, the air was much warmer than usual, and the strange thing was it rose extremely fast. I noticed that my watch thermometer had changed from 79 farheinhieght to 93 in just three minutes. I knew something was wrong. A homeless man with a radio began to run around in circles and scream like a madman. I slid towards the radio and did not believe what I heard.

An unknown computer virus is spreading through every device linked to the internet we advise you to turn off all of your com- DAMMIT GET TO THE POINT, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Atomic warheads around the world have detonated that is all.

How could the radio announcer be so serious, and who the hell was that maniac in the background. Then it hit me. I began to panic, I franticly ran to the cover of the bridge. I knew it would be no help, but I had to do something.

The fear of all fears, the final liberation…the end of all ends.

September 19, 2010

I awoke to find that I was not dead, but how. I couldn’t believe that I would still be alive. Yet here I was, clueless to where I was, wondering if the world was decimated, and denying that all of this never happened.

My surroundings were strange, creepily strange, but they were beautiful nonetheless. An aquatic window showed numerous fish, most I had never seen before. Some had an eerie glow to them. Others were littered with shining multi-colored scales, or bodies so reflective they appeared to be lusterous pearls brighter than the sun. Some were transparent making them almost impossible to see. The rest of the room was also a sight for sore eyes. The bed was a strange color and texture. The threads were woven in an unfamiliar way that I have never seen before.

Hey I hate to break up your story but where were you?

I will tell you that eventually, besides you don’t really have any where to go for a while.

The walls oozed with a wonderful hue dripping behind a glass wall that was almost invisible. This was practically a paradise, but out of the blue a noise startled me.

The walls lifted and a hallway was exposed. A figure from the shadows within stepped one foot after another. Not knowing who or what this thing was I ducked behind the bed ready to attack. A calm and almost reassuring voice flowed through the room. My instincts told me to stay put, but my conscious told me to check it out. I eased up out of my hiding place to find a flirtatious woman staring back at me.

I tried to talk but I was a little nervous. I was modest when I was a child and I don’t think I ever grew out of it. She had a picture perfect body molded by the gods. Her bosom was a perfect shape to match the models of fashion boutiques. A face of perfect proportion smooth and tight, but not tight enough to ruin her facial features, not to mention the wavy hair silky yet mildly strong, and highlights from brown trailing to an auburn color that could never match with any other girl.

A charming voice called out my name. I was tantalized with that voice so wonderful words could not describe.

We’ve been expecting you, but I thought you would’ve been a little easier on the eyes. So you are Rei, What can I get for you?

Whoa lady, what the hell are you talking about, and what is this place.

You truly are clueless aren’t you? Then let me explain.

Hey stop the story holo-man, or whatever your name is. How many stories are within your story?

Two at most, but there is much more.

This world, as you probably know already, was hit by a massive virus said to destroy the entire earth. But what you do not know is that an area of a bay was able to survive under some circumstances. The ARFRF (Atom Reconstruction and Fission Reversal Facility) was a super secret group that researched futuristic formulas, developed new devices, and even discovered five new elements.

They brought you here because you are part of our experiment.

You bitch! You killed those innocent people you planted the virus you played with people like they were god damn rag dolls! I’m going to have fun killing you! First I’ll strangle you and then break your neck! Oh, your going to regret the day you passed from your mother!

Excuse me! Calm down. We were the ones who gave the decoding of the virus. That is how the radio station managed to get that radio signal out in time. I know you heard it. We also planted a small chip on as many people as we could. The people planting the chips appeared to be normal citizens. Do you remember that young adult sitting beside you? That was me. And for your information I’m a genetic reconstruction.

Sorry about that… What effect do the chips have?

They eliminate the effect of a certain radiation. It is composed of a special type of plasma induced with lead and radon. It may sound dangerous, but the plasma nullifies the effect on humans because the brain’s nerves spreading through the body create electrical impulses causing the plasma to repel and draw the elements away from the body causing a sub-atom wall similar to the nuclear explosion. It is a barrier said to be powerful enough to withstand gamma radiation.

Okay lady -please Rei call me Linda.

Sorry. Linda could you put that into terms I can understand.

Let’s just say this little bugger can stop a nuke dead in its tracks.

Where is this so called chip?

It is no longer on your body, its inside

Whoa whoa whoa! It’s inside my body. How will I get it out, not to mention could it hurt me?

Rei, lets talk about this over dinner.

Chapter 3
What Women Want

The hallway was vast and spacious the walls were lined with creatures photos, most I never knew existed…then again, they may not exist. The peculiar thing that really had me thinking was how the heck the photos appear to have no control over anything within the portraits. They just popped out like a toaster making bread. What gave them such an ability to possibly jump out and attack at will? I could only imagine where the heck they were from, or what they were capable of.

Excuse me… Rei the dining room is this way. Not to mention, do you like my holograms. I developed them before the unfortunate virus incident.

Linda… what the hell is your problem! Mass amounts of human lives were at stake and all you can say is unfortunate! Think about the repercussions, the consequences, and the helpless people who could not escape! Do you even care?

I have to forget that. I-I can’t live with what happened. My husband almost died and I can’t let it happen again.

Who was your husband?

He was a wonderful man who could not have treated me better than any man alive, yet he was on the edge of staying alive. I loved him with all my heart, and he loved me back. I haven’t felt the aura of his determination, determination to reunite with me, yet he cannot feel my presence as his mind is locked away. I can only pray that he will remember who I am.

So I am your husband?

Yes, I was hoping you could release your feelings and search your heart to try to remember me.

You have technology that could bring back my memory don’t you. Why didn’t you try that from the start?

There is a chance you may die. The process is extremely dangerous. It consists of many rigorous-

Linda stop. The technical aspects don’t matter. It’s not all about percentages and numbers it is about faith and hope. The strength of my hearts desire is all that matters. Math has no impact on the choice I am making.

Rei, you have to promise me you won’t let go of my hand during the restructuring.

I won’t Linda. I promise, I will stay alive.

With those words I risked my life to remember the one I loved with no idea what would happen to my present mind. I believed that if I stayed this way I would cause her more pain yet I might die remembering…

So Rei, you basically risked your life to save the woman you wanted to love.

Pretty much, but that was not the complete story.

Then you can finish, don’t worry, I’m still listening.

The one thing left to hope for was the one thing I lost from my own carelessness. Now risking my life I prayed to become what I lost. I maliciously cared for what I wanted, yet lived for the woman I loved and cared for. I felt a knot in my stomach. It began as a need, now it is a torture I have to endure. Believing was bad enough, but knowing that I would cause misery to my wife was eating me alive.

The room Linda led me to was very different from what I expected. I imagined rows of test tubes and strange machinery such as the science fiction novels, but found only a light above a chair. It was a joke to me.

Linda, what is this place?

It is a room. A room with electrical waves expelled from the light. They are similar to the waves given off by your body. They can travel deep into your mind and awaken your ability to remember, etch or delete memories, cure mental disorders, and even excel your mind to the point of minor telekinesis.

What is so dangerous about it?

Your brain waves are unlike any we’ve come across. They can’t be measured by our technology. It means your body defies nature. You’re a very special man, your mind is a rebel.

I don’t care… I’m going to do it! I will remember, I promise!

I pray you do.

Chapter 4
Remembrance of the Long Lost

The chair was cold and hard yet seemed comfortable for the moment. Linda had just left the room through a wall; it must have been a hologram. I sat for what seemed like hours. My stomach began to churn with uneasiness. I caught myself many times nervous to the point I believed I would go into convulsions. As I began to calm down the light began to flicker. I had a strange feeling. It felt pleasurable; I never wanted it to stop. Suddenly pain shot through my body. I tried to call out to Linda to stop. I realized what was happening… I was dying.

Linda rushed over to me.

Linda I remember… I love you.

You’re going to be alright Rei I’ll get help. Just stay alive.

Linda I would have done anything to be with you for one minute and I had that wish granted. Please remember me as I will remember you.

Rei… Rei! Wake up. Please wake up.

She had one chance to preserve my mind. She purposely put me in a coma with the most powerful bit of technology.

Rei, why didn’t she wake you up?

There is no cure for a coma, but there is hope.

But why are you here?

They preserved some of my memory before I was put in a coma. But my wife was forced move to a different organization; I can only pray she returns here some day…

You must care for her a lot.

Yes and the escorts will be here to pick you up at half past four.

Where’s the clock?

On the ceiling.

Then the door opened revealing a passage with an eerie glow. Men in unexpectedly casual clothes stepped into the room and stood in a V-formation. A young lady stepped in and stood with one leg crossed in front of the other looking extremely sassy. She had a tight dress and a mini-skirt. She was chewing gum and blowing bubbles constantly. Her hair was pulled back in a bun and held together with Japanese hair braids that are best described as ornamental chopsticks. Her face was brushed lightly with makeup and blush. From the looks of her outer attributes she could seduce any man. She was practically irresistible. She spoke with a wonderfully beautiful voice. I was so busy I almost annoyed her because I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying.

Sir stop gawking and don’t make me repeat myself again... Welcome to TPRF (Technical Plasma Research Facility)

Wait a sec lady; you were the bastards Rei talked about. You could have saved the world but you just wanted to sit on your asses and do nothing about it.
Yes that is true John we let the assholes die, so what are you going to do about it. Oh and one more thing, you see that laceration on your leg, you can’t leave here because of that.

Lady are you a retard, I can walk jump and even run. It is you who is mistaken.

Oh contraire John. Do you remember that yellow ooze you were shot with? That is a concentrated metal that attracts plasma, so you can’t pass through our plasma particle induced walls. The only way to break through is to turn off the generator, but that is guarded too. Rei is our prisoner since his goodie-two-shoes wife left we now exist as a world power!

You’re crazy lady. There is not much to control now that you smeared humanity like a squashed bug.

Your cluelessness and ignorance is hilarious. Rei’s wife used the prototype atmosphere accelerated freight transport. She submitted the plans to NASA, but they turned her down. She was a little too persistent to succeed in places she had already mastered. She was better than me, better than anyone. She enraged people by how perfect she was. I felt like strangling her ninety-nine Percent of the time she worked with me.

So why didn’t you quit?

I never quit because I am the most intelligent now. And you’re a prisoner!

You’re a psycho.

I see we’re getting nowhere fast. I thought this would be easier, boys, get the tazers.

Oh no you don’t. You want a piece of me! Then come and get some!

What should I do about these goons? They obviously outnumbered me four to one. Then it hit me. The one thing that I could use as a weapon was that holographic projector. No I wasn’t going to throw it like most people would. I decided to rip the insulated cord attached to the wall in the center. I brandished it at them, but I guess I pissed them off instead. They pulled out guns that looked like they came from a friggin’ sci-fi movie. Thinking on my feet I tagged the bed with the wires and instantly a fire broke out. Then the fire sprinklers turned on, causing the tazers they were holding began to short circuit and stunned them. My plan worked perfectly.

Chapter 5
Out of the Frying Pan
And into the Freezer

I ran through the hallway carrying some weapons I picked off the guards. There was one problem though… I had no clue how to use them. There was a strange gun. It had rivets on it, but there was a finger print reader on them. I might as well give it a try. I nervously placed my finger on the gelatinous circle. Nothing happened. I was clenching it hard out of anger, and then out of the blue the gun handle began to melt around my hand. It spread up to my wrist and the gun shaft moved to the top of my hand in between the top of my middle digits. I shook and shook trying to dislodge the demented firearm from my extensively painful hand. I began to panic I wanted it off, but as soon as those words crossed my mind the cursed gun released. It had to be some sort of electro-kinetic alpha-brain wave receptor. I was a master at new age electronics before the fatal accident that caused me to awake from my dream, but I seemed to be much more experienced. Like the stunt I pulled with those guards, I wouldn’t be that intelligent in my dream.

I tried the gun one more time. It continued as usual, slithering up my arm as usual. The gun did what I thought and to the exact detail. It was like a mental projection, it read my every thought. Just as I got the hang of it more guards ran down the hallway after me. It was time to put it to use. I aimed and sighted them and shot without fail.

Run! He’s got a blaster.

Hey punks. Take it up the ass!

The feeling of killing innocent people was not my idea of a good plan. Then again they weren’t innocent; they were trying to kill me! The control room was up ahead. I was home free. But something bugged me… The Plasma Field!!!

I stopped just in time to grace my leg across the wall.

If my leg was the problem then I would have to remove the skin.

The last thing I picked off the guards was a strange looking handle. The button was a weird texture similar to the gun yet when I grasped its handle I felt the feeling, the same feeling that I felt when I almost absorbed from that piece of unearthly objects celestial gas, the feeling that no one could hurt me, nothing could faze me. Falling to the ground out of complete relaxation and happiness, and the last thing I remember was the sassy girl lifting me, caressing me, and kissed me lovingly.

The one thing I hoped for after I awoke was to find the girl and ask mercilessly to stop the destruction of the space dwelling. If I could persuade her to stop maybe she could stop the whole idea of ruling the world and instead rebuild it. That would save lives and make her wealthy beyond belief. She’s a nice girl, but she just has to learn how to use her power properly.

The surroundings looked strange. They were unlike anything I had ever seen.

Chapter 6
A Feeling of Uneasiness

There seemed to be no walls and no floor yet I was standing completely still. Then out of the blue a marvelous sight beheld my eyes too the point they just wanted to float off into the reaches of the room. A portrament of a galaxy and stars began to shoot by me as if I was traveling through the universe at impossible speed. That’s when I noticed her. She was a sight for sore eyes, yet I wanted to strangle her right then and there.

This time she was even more seductive than ever. She wore a tight tank top with most of her belly showing, an extremely short tight skirt and had high leg hugging boots. I felt nervous. I was never good at staying calm with a flirtatious woman in close proximity. I began to wonder why she is coming on to me so quick… unless she is planning to get me to open up and tell her something.

She spoke with a calm and sexy tone. I felt like I was melting as if I was an ice cream float left to sit under a scorching blanket of heat on a hot summer day. She rose from her position and walked one foot in front of the other in a straight line with her hips moving in an irresistible way. She bent down and looked at me longingly, the way a person would if the feeling of love was present.

Tell me what you think of me John. Am I beautiful or am I psycho?

I…uh…think you’re amazing!

Do you really think that? Or are you lying.

No I’m…uh…not.

Are you nervous john, because I think you’re really cute when you stutter.

What the hell do you want from me?!

I want you John. I’ve waited for your arrival and here you are. I need you like a fish needs water. I hope you can find the heart to love me back.

Is this some kind of joke? Your men tried to kill me! how could I love you after what you said, what you’ve done, and not to mention the people you’ve killed. You deserve to die Bitch!

I didn’t want to. No one understands me.

I’m sorry…I didn’t know you were a friggin’ skitsafrinic!

Watch your mouth!
I couldn’t believe what she did after saying those words. She reached down, and cradled my head as she opened her mouth and kissed me. It felt so good and I lost track of my mind as she held me close. I finally realized what I was doing and pulled my lips away from hers. I felt like I was tainted by her kiss, a feeling I never felt from my dream I awoke from.

So how was it John?

It…was …amazing!

Yes, my formula was correct. I knew it would work on a weak minded individual like you.

You lying son of a bitch!

You almost believed that I actually loved you. I am the most powerful person in the world!

You don’t have much competition since practically no one lives on this planet, not to mention the competition for the most deranged psychotic is one you take the cake for.

I have no use for you any more. Take the bastard to the cleansing plant at the base of the tower!

You mean the statue of liberty!

That emblem of liberty no longer exists as America was completely destroyed by our plasma smart bombs, which are some of the weakest weapons we ever created. We just wanted to get rid of those pieces of crap models we never used.

You can’t do this to me!

Ha! That’s what they all say!

The room was larger than I expected it to be. The turbines were making an ear splitting noise that painfully reminded me of scratching a chalkboard. There were many tube entrances that carried the water out.

In ya go punk!

I fell into a small tube and as soon as I landed I was shot like a bullet through the tube near breakneck speed. The water began to get higher and was forced into my nostrils. I couldn’t breathe…I felt like I was drowning. I passed out but before I did I prayed for Rei’s wife to reunite with him. Hopefully she could stop that crazy lady.

Chapter 7
Till’ Death do us Part?

I almost gave in to death, yet I felt hope grasp me and cradle me. Then I realized that it was a reality. Something was really dragging me out of the tubes and into the icy water of the bay.

I looked up at a face I could not see clearly. The person probed a thin tube down my throat as if to drain my lungs, but needs a gentle touch or else my lungs could sever. I trusted this savior even though I could not perceive the details of the persons face yet it appeared to be a girl.

I began to gag and cough, but she immediately removed the tube with the utmost care. The name, I must ask her name. I started but I was hushed by her soothing voice. She seemed ethereal yet physically here. Finally I managed to push the words out of the bowels of my mind.

Your name…I must know your name.

My name is not important. You have to rest John.

How the hell does everyone know my name!

You don’t remember do you?

Nope, not a friggin’ clue.

Now is not the place and time.

Then when is?

If I tell you now it would put you in more danger.

I don’t give a damn. I was shot, I heard a story I couldn’t understand, a wacko lady used me as a damn test subject and traumatized me to the point I never want to see a whorish woman again, not to mention the bitch tried to kill me. I’ve been through hell and you think I’m not in danger?!

It depends on what you perceive as danger. Danger to your self from others is much different from danger you put upon you from your own self.

I have no clue what you just said!

You will die if you find out who you really are.

That makes no sense!

It will later John, goodbye.

Wait don’t leave…at least tell me who you are!

That too is a secret and will be revealed later.

I got as much strength as I could and stood up. I looked around to find nothing upon the horizon. It baffled me. I wondered where I was…then I realized something that sent shivers up my spine.

Chapter 8
A Plain of Glass

The ground appeared to be a long stretch of sea…a plain of glass, and I was standing on top of it! It was a strange feeling, a feeling like standing over a bottomless pit, knowing you could fall at any second.

I bent over carefully and touched the water. It felt almost gas like. I lifted some in my hand. I brought it up to my view. My hand paused on the way up, yet a strange occurrence happened. My hand had ceased to move yet the water still rose. It held its shape in the form of small and large droplets, such as the Tang astronauts used to let float in orbit and sucked in through straws or caught in their mouth. It felt strange yet interesting to think about. I was definitely not going to drink it, not knowing what it was. If this was water I could at least find my way.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a metal lock pick I swiped off the guards. It had no true use except as a compass. I ripped a piece of my silk boxers and placed it on the water then positioned the lock pick carefully on the floating silk. Something strange happened. The clouds in the sky parted showing the coming sunset. The lock pick began to follow about forty-five degrees to the right of the sunset.

I had no choice but to follow it.

It led me for what seemed like hours yet the sun never set. Thirst was setting in; I couldn’t keep going without something to drink. As I walked I reached down and scooped up some of the liquid. It tasted delicious.

But something was puzzling me. How did it taste like the food that I was most hungry for?

I began to realize something...did this water have something to do with a dream? It wasn’t coincidental, I have to be dreaming, but it seems so real. Is this what that girl meant? Is this all just a dream? Will I ever wake up? How? When...where?
Chapter 9
Raging Sun

The way I was feeling about the thoughts embodied in my mind made me question every religion in my so called dream I awoke from so leniently. Yet I realized that the world I existed in now seemed to be more like a dream than the world I returned from.

I pondered the confusing image, yet believed the one thing I missed was how I died in the beginning of the dream. It must have been important, for I wondered why it was erased from my mind. But that is an attribute every dreamer experiences.

I began to follow the home made compass as it led me further and further, along the plane of glass. It continued to cruise floating on the water like surface, towards the left of the sun.

I began to feel drained of energy, and quickly grabbed the device resting on the piece of my silk boxers. I slowly and carefully sat on the water that seemed to have an extreme amount of surface tension. It was amazingly comfortable, and I felt as if I could fall asleep sitting up. I laved on my back and was about to dose off, when suddenly the sky began to flicker.

I looked up and was amazed. The sun was moving in uncoriagraphical patterns as strange as they were unbelievable. The amazing sight was instantly broken by a stray beacon of light piercing through the mercury like fluid. I felt disbelief… and then fear…

The water began to discentigrate as the ray shown upon it. The sight beheld before my very eyes awoke a memory… I know how I died.

The sense was knocked back into me. I took off like a half crazy lunatic, bolting around declining depressions, not knowing what would happen to me. Jumping and running, dodging the holes, feeling faster, stronger, and more agile. My determination was stronger than ever, yet I could not escape the inevitable. I slipped and fell into absolute darkness… not knowing the perils that await me… and the malicious attack of the raging sun.

Chapter 10
Invasion From Within

The pitch black darkness gave an unmatchable amount of fear, fear enough to drive me to the breaking point. The damn sun reared up and attacked me… but I was blind to what lies above… the sun which could have annihilated me. Still this predicament was not any more pleasing.

I continued to fall, not a clue to where I would land, if I even would.
The new world that had laid before me, waiting to be explored, was about to vanish as I was crushed by the palms of death.

“That’s it! I am recalling the way I died!”

But was I to relive the horrendous end of my existence.

It grasped me I fought to break free, but its grip upon my soul was impossible to break. I had no clue if I would die or live. I reassured myself this is only a dream, but it was real. I could feel the excruciating pain of spikes piercing my body.

The roar from the darkness felt like a stab from a dull knife. I began to wish I would die quickly before any more pain was to come in contact with my body.

It seemed as if my prayer was answered.

A flash of light cut through the absolute darkness and I passed out.

It was an invasion from within…

Chapter 11
The Mysterious Figure

I awoke to a reassuring sight. It was as if I was in a heavenly aura, a blue sky with speckles of white clouds slowly moving across the sky, a docile warming sun unlike the enraged sun that was aggressive enough to rival the moon.

I sat up only to find more amazing sights that were like candy to my eyes.

I rested upon a beautiful and flawless beach whose sand was as fine as a mass amount of ½ carat gold colored diamonds. The sea was as clear as plate glass, and the shore fish gathered around the edge of the surf looking for stray mussels churned up from the waves. There were palm trees in groups surrounded by sea grass, some cypress trees were residing in the sea near the shore gnarled and holding fast to the sand bar.

I was in paradise!

I just wondered how I got here… and who or what brought me.

In an instant a gorgeous woman walked across the sand and stood over me.

She was in a two piece swimsuit that was extremely tight which showed the contours of her breasts and waist. I decided I really was in heaven and got up to greet her with a handshake… wait a sec. who the hell do I think I am! I’m supposed to hug her.
A handshake is for telling a woman you’re friggin’ gay. The last thing in the world I want to do is walk up say hi and stick out my hand (fag).

Amazingly she spoke first.

“Hi John, how do you like my island.”

“What the hell is up with this?! Everyone knows my name. Is this some kind of conspiracy I am not aware of!?”

“In a way yes, but you would not understand. It is very complicated and hard to explain.”

“Look lady, I have been through hell and I don’t give a damn what it involves, so spill it, NOW!

I can’t John, if I do it will complicate things further, and I cannot let you perish with my sins.”

“So if I learn about this, I’ll die…”

“That is sadly true…”

“Wait a sec. I remember Rei’s wife told me something similar to that. You aren’t linked are you?”

“This is something we cannot discuss out in the open come to my dwelling and I’ll show you everything.”

I hope she didn’t mean she would show me everything~. I would probably go into shock if that happened again.

She led me to a large clam shell. If this was her dwelling I would be afraid to know where the bathroom is. She strenuously lifted the 92 kilogram shell and I beheld an unexpected sight. A spiral staircase made of glass, most likely from the large amounts of silicon on the beach. I followed down to a glistening room that was as beautiful as a lost city graced with treasure. The glass walls shown an underwater cave that leads into a cove. Many tropical fish swam about the crevices and sea grass, lined with gold colored stones which refracted light into beautiful orichalc rainbow hues. The gorgeous woman walked into a fold dressing room and began to remove her clothes. I could only see the perfectly symmetrical contours of her practically flawless body. Tension shot though my body; I can’t help feeling nervous around a drop dead gorgeous woman. She began to redress herself and the clothes slipped on as well as the swimsuit she removed. She stepped out and I beheld a jaw dropping sight.

Chapter 12
An Angel in Disguise

She had wings and a silken gown waving as if an undetectable wind blew through the glass room. She was the only girl, or angel I encountered that didn’t try to kill me or put me in a freakishly dangerous environment.

“John, do you realize why I’m showing you this.”

“No, I haven’t a clue, but I suspect you will tell me, or am I wrong.”

“John, do you realize this is a game.”

“What the hell are you trying to tell me?!”

“I’m telling you that you’re a pawn, you are the only connection to the soul world. That lady who tried to kill you… she was not after you, she was after you’re soul. She wanted your power not your body. Just before you were shot I graced your body to hide your soul. There is no use for you without your soul. You will cease to exist, you will fade away…”

“NO! I won’t believe it, it’s not true! I must be dreaming… dammit, wake up!”

“You shouldn’t scream, it is not good for either of us.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“He’s listening as we speak, the one whose name must never be graced with words. No word is powerful enough to describe the evil that he’s suspended within. He floats about, feeding off helpless souls emotions. He feels you now… he circles above waiting to strike at the utmost instant. He is watching us, he is watching our every move, breathing every breath we breathe, tasting our souls fear… there is no escape.”

“What are we supposed to do? Just sit around here.”

“No, I can handle this.”

She gracefully lifted her arms, and began to float upwards. As I finally realized she was about to plow right into the ceiling, I yelled to stop her from colliding with the roof, but as I realized she passed through it. I was sort of expecting that to happen with all the freakishly strange things going on.

Then I felt it, I was going to pass out again. I ran up the stairs, trying to get to the top before I collapsed. As I reached the top fear shot through my body like a needle in my spine. There was a cloud of darkness hovering above the ground. I was paralyzed with fear.

The dark blob spewed out the angel and advanced to me. I ran down the beach bounding over driftwood and destroying shells as I slammed my feet down on the sand. As I looked behind me I was baffled. The blob was nowhere in sight.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me back to the beach. There she was… the angel.
I pray she is okay, she has to be alive.

I stepped up to her and kneeled down next to her. She began to move. I breathed a sigh of relief, she was still alive. I ran to her underground abode and grabbed a canteen of fresh water. I made haste and returned to her side. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled right back at her. A soft voice came from her pursed lips.

“I’m glad you are still alive John, you really scared me.”

“I’m not important angel; you are the one who will tell me who I am. Without you I am nothing.”

‘John, quit hittin’ on me. I’m not here for your pleasure.”

“I am not!”

“You can’t stay here. If you do, as I said before, you will be in danger.”

“Like I care. I don’t have any choice, where do you think I’ll go huh?!”

“Far away.”

Chapter 13
What is Happiness?

I could not believe the words she spoke… far away.

I felt a strange wind sweeping over me, lifting me, above the clouds, above the atmosphere, above sorrow. It felt amazing to be above it all. Yet a feeling drove me to wonder where I was going. Could I be going to heaven? It all seemed possible to me considering I was with an angel. Then again could that angel really do this? Is it against the rules? As I wondered a ball of ghostly white light proceeded to close in on me. I began to panic. Fear overwhelmed me as it steadily closed in on me. I felt a strange sensation sweep over me as the light engulfed me. It felt similar to the aura that device expelled when I awoke in New York City.
It could only be described as uplifting.

The light began to fade as an amazing landscape appeared before me. There were platforms of land that tapered down into a point hovering at different altitudes. Crystal shards swept around like they were carried by a wind on a blustery day. The sky glowed and shimmered like the sea, a green emerald sea… I finally realized that I stood on a plain of lustrous green grass that blew in the direction of the swirling wind. A feeling of tranquility radiated from the trees and the grass and ground. It was a complete paradise, but why was I here?

I sensed a presence behind me. I spun around to apprehend it but there was nothing but the trees. As I steadily turned back around I was startled as a man was standing in front of me. I fell back and hit my head on a rock. As the light faded away I wondered why the hell I’m always a friggin’ victim.

I awoke in a bright room that had a strange aura of a pleasurable climate. As the light faded, a man with white wings stood over me with a cheery smile. A testament necklace hung around his neck, speckled with precious gems, and embroidered with a green polished metal. He wrapped in a white cloak and gown, and his face obviously molded out of a pure heart and kindness. His hair flowed freely and swayed like a weeping willow.

“Who are you?”

“I am an angel crusader; I find that you were scared by him.”

“Who the hell is him? Woops!”

“Yes, woops is right. You are forbidden to speak of sins that exist within a scarred heart, an impure heart without regrets for anything you do.”

“I’m sorry; uh… what’s your name.”

“I am Master Elijah, pleased to meet you John.”

“How does everyone know my name?! It’s creeping me out.”

“It is foretold a savior would appear from the outside and release us from our sorrow. To be free of pain and suffering, that is our wish.”

“An angel sent me here for a reason I do not know, but why? Why would she send me here, and for what reason? This is a mystery to me as it may be to you.”

“I do ponder the thought why she would bring the one here on her own free will. That angel in training is quite unpredictable. She is… Crusaders split up and find her! I want you to search every last rock, bush, and tree! I want her back here in one piece!”
“What are you thinking you damn angel. You gonna kill her?! You won’t live through the next ten seconds you bastard!”

“You must have faith in her… she has faith in you.”

“What is your god damn problem you friggin’ psycho! I got a good mind to rip your pretty face off your head and toss it into hell so it traumatizes the devil every time he looks at your detached face!”

“They will return shortly and with them, angel cadet Jennifer. You need not worry she is alive.”

“You sick bastard, you are the most…”

And at that moment three angels descended from a light in the sky. With them they carried Jennifer, slumped over their shoulders. As the angels placed her down and she fell onto her knees, she lifted her head and looked to the sky… she looked to the sky…

Temporary End?
As she lifted her head and looked to the sky
Our emotions for two will never die
The sky withholds an abyss of blue
The purest color of love so true
Our bond is as a chain link strong
Enormously powerful as it is long
But the loss my heart could never mend
I will love you until the end

Pets are extremely self-centered

2006-07-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

For those of you who own pets, you will most likely agree with me when I say that a majority of Pets are extremely self-centerd. There you are in your favorite chair, or your favorite part of the house doing whatever - drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, having a snack, listening to music, watching TV, or you're just hanging with some friends, when your pet starts making noise. What your pet is really saying is something to the effect of "hey you, drop whatever your doing and focus on me for a minute. Scratch me, show me some love, and in case you haven't figured it out, I gotta take a crap." That's if you have a dog. If you have a cat, the cat will meow at you, as if to say "Hey you, stop what your doing and feed me." Then after you feed it, the cat gives you that look that basically says "Thank you for the food, now fuck off. Don't come back until I request food again." For those who own a parrot, the good thing is you can verbally tell the parrot what your thinking, at least it can respond back. If you have a fish, the fish doesn't say much of anything, as soon as you give him or her their food, they just look at you as if to say "Hey thanks, you two-legged thing you. Leave me alone, I'm trying to eat." It must suck if you have a pet monkey, because if you get up in a monkey's grill, the chances are good that it'll throw his/her own dung on you.

Immigration & The Iraq war

2006-07-16T23:38:00.000-04:00

Here are my thoughts on the big issues of the day, the Iraq war and immigration.

When the Iraq war started, I was thinking how cool it was, how great it was that America was finally showing Iraq who is the country you just don't toy with. Three years later, I'm now thinking "Okay, we got Saddam, we're still fighting this war, does it really need to continue? Its getting out of hand, it needs to stop soon. Instead of looking for WMDs that we thought were there, we should be looking for Osama Bin Laden, get him, then get back to the Iraq war."

Now, on to immigration. If you wanna come to America, come on in, but do it leagaly, don't come sneaking in here without your passport, plus, you need to educate yourself on America before you come here. If you can't answer ten questions correctly on the INS quiz that is given to immigrants, you shouldn't be in America. We'll let you in, but if customs sees a wire coming out of your bag or whatever you have on you, well then friend, you have some serious questions to answer, and they sure as hell aren't on the INS quiz.

Heyyyy maaaaaan, that doesn't belong there

2006-07-15T02:05:00.000-04:00

Aparrently, the concept of logic is something my Dad doesn't really grasp that well. Example: Whenever I needed to use the toilet plunger, do you know where this guy put it? I kid you not, this guy put it in the garage. "Hey Dad, while you're at it, could you put the snowblower in the kitchen?" Seriously, when has the toilet plunger ever been used in a garage? That's like putting a cigarette lighter in your closet, a doggy bag in your wine celler, a machine gun in your linen closet, you get the idea. What I'm saying is, put stuff where it belongs!

RIP, Mitch Hedberg

2006-07-14T22:27:00.000-04:00

Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest cats ever to be on the comedy club circut, this guy is like a Steven Write for the new melenium. Saddly though, he died in March of 2005, just before he was going to get his own HBO special, which if you're a comedian, that's quite an amazing feet.

If you want to, you can read this massive collection of Mitch Hedberg jokes I found on the internet, so enjoy.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, "You fuckers don't farm! C'mon, what about some celery? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs
off, you would look like tiny snowmen."
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going
"AWWWW Fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.
It's weird: People say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large,
out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears
scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."
Koala bears. They're so fuckin' cute, why do they gotta live so far away from me? We should ship a few over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And
pet him on the back of his head.
Dogs are forever in the push up position. "Drop and give me twenty, dog. I know you're ready!"
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!
A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherfucker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think
it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me,
and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always optimistic,
like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar.. with a stick and a leaf..
to recreate his habitat. And I'd certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't
be doing much in his 16-ounce world."
I'd like to talk about the differences between bears and frogs—I know it's cliche. Like, if there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my sandwiches from
a branch; a frog knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly, 'cause a fly zig-zags while my sandwich does not... unless I go like this [waves hand back
and forth in a zig-zag]... If I want some honey on some toast I don't have to squeeze a plastic frog. There ain't no frog attack prevention pamphlet. "Now
if the frog is hopping towards you, do not look the amphibian in the eye. This will incite him."
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. [crowd is silent] ...Because they're grouper fish...
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it,
then the dog will come back and say, "Holy shit! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just
suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
I was at the beach and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several...
simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass. I'd be way better than before. They'd back up now.
Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.
I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore,"
but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two,
you are an asshole.
You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the
way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic.
I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning
bolt mean "No"?
This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between
me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive
fucker!?"
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot."
I play sports...Wait, no I don't. What the fuck! That was a major faux pas.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey,
how the fuck did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for
something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"
I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job working for Mrs. Paul's. Just put me in a boat with some
empty boxes and I'll return them to the freezer section of your local grocery store.
I want to climb a mountain — not so I can get to the top — cause I want to hang out at base camp. That scene's fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful
tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around... "Hey, you going to the top?" — "Soon."
You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause
you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated
how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want
to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many
children."
In Kilkenny Ireland, they don't have anything American over there, it's very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they
had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out to a bar and piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me to the Subway. I said,
"Dude, I'm sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a cold cut combo, though."
I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza
place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza
oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would
do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane,
party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just
go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like
this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry!
That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis
is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna,
turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals.
You got your own thing goin'. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd
be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."
I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capacity to buy
a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I
would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But, they could have
like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake.
Lakeside my ass, lake on!
I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there.
So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She
told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce
on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that.
Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing
it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale
it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side
of potatoes of some sort."
The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck."
That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two
ways.
I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?"
I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a
bun. Shit, it's gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled. You fuckin' confused me."
I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, so every bite was a surprise
as to how much cheese I had applied to each cracker. That's why I believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the
product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows
in the dark too.
I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted
to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire
up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill
marks."
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar.
"That's Swiss!" "Yes, it is." "But how did you know?" "Because of the fucking holes!" Swiss cheese is a rip-off; it's is the only cheese you can bite and
miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.
I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try
it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion:
"Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. Then, on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived.
But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!"
I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not
eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.
I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then
you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove
that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's
at home, in the file... under D for doughnut.
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light
a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought
I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration
from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying
to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move on. When you hit butter, split up."
I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal
and feel productive.
As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first
but at the end you're fucking sick of them.
Peter Frampton is a musical legend, but I don't know any of his music. When you meet a legend, and you don't know their body of work, you have to divert
from that fact. It's like: "Hey Peter Frampton... do you like... toast, too? Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay.
Now stay away from me, Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you."
I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from
reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and
every one on the bottom row!"
I want to make a vending machine that sold vending machines... It would have to be real fucking big!
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its
maximum flavor potential.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back
to pondering my mortality.
I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's", that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy
bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you better hand
it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fucking bully, man. Let me at least have a Piece."
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'm gonna
go down to the factory,"you owe me some letters!"
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start
making pop so soon?
They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin',
potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did
not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!
They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?"
"Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
I can't wait 'til this set is over, 'cuz I've got a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got
things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed
commitment."
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look
at you like you're selfish.
Milk was a bad choice.
I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,
I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.
At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right
ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
This guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "No ... but I would like a regular banana later, so ... yeah."
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyeballs.
Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.
I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I." "Well lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "Instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again."
"Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question,
how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa
sprouts." "Well you're not in the fucking club!"
I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude — you have to wait!"
One time I had a Jack and coke and it had a lime in it, And I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news man. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes,
I'll reach for a lime... I'll be water skiing without a life preserver and people'll say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime...and a lemon too. I'm
saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again
after all.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it,
I don't need another step between me and toast.
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend," so I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened?
All the buns are blank! They're going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on
a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open..
shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on
one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular!
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just
haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme
longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't
bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna
work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "Hey, what does that do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well that's a fresher. I'm going on break."
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other
version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."
It would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food, and then the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you
could eat a carrot with an onion ring, and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's
with me."
I like baked potatoes, but they take too long to make. Sometimes I throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows? I
throw one in and go on vacation.
I'm going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name
tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, "John Chicattee come on down.... and you better be fucking funny!"
(A Sunday show) This sign says "IMPROV". I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an "E" on the end of it.
I'm getting a good deal from this club — 50% of the door. Last night I got 50% of the door, and tonight I'm getting 50% of the door. Tomorrow, I'm going
to go out and buy a door.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if
the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny.
My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks.... I bring him home a Jack and Coke.
I worked at one comedy club where I didn't get many laughs. So the club manager said, "Mitch, you're not getting any laughs. You're gonna have to vacuum
the club." He made me vacuum... so I told the next crowd: hey, you guys have to start laughing. Otherwise, don't drop shit! "...were they a good crowd?"
"Yeah, they were neat."
At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they
think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name
and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time.
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I
told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
In the club when they want to get offstage they turn on a red light that indicated you have five minutes left. Some clubs they'll hold up a candle in the
back. That's the worst method because you're up here drinking and you look in the back and see a floating candle. "Aw shit, this place is haunted. I cannot
be funny when I'm frightened."
That joke's better than you acted.
Fuck you, that was funny.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when you're not laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh didn't think that joke was funny"
Maybe they can add some laughs to that joke.
Gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to."
This shit is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking
like...a sword.
I don't know what that meant there. That part was ad-libbed. I'll take it back.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
That joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
If I would have had more crank before the show, that would have been funny. Wait....
Hold on ... that joke wasn't laid out properly ... it refers to before and after ... alright ...
That laugh will be duplicated and placed after jokes that didn't work, I'm gonna use you. I'm gonna make a whole CD of unfunny jokes, and then add your
laughs to it — on loop. And then list you individually on the CD: "These people don't like funny jokes"... Err... "They like..." Fuck.
I think you like me better now, I should do my show over again. [repeats first part of the first joke told in the special] heh.. Mitch Hedberg's 90 minute
special.
You people will laugh at shit that's funny and won't laugh at shit that's not funny... you're fuckin' accurate.
I like to smoke a pipe, cause it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit off the pipe, you fuckers should be laughing. [Audience laughs.] Not
yet though, I haven't said shit.
Come on engineer, FUCKING LAUGH!
You know what? Everyone who doesn't laugh at my jokes are fucked up motherfuckers! You heard me! Laugh or you'll be fucking your mom tonight!
I've always wanted to handcuff a suitcase to my wrist.... alright [Audience laughs.] That's not a full joke there, that's filler .....wow, the list is bending
up ... I can't read it.
(After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
(At the Just for Laugh comedy festival) This is my favorite place to perform - in a big room full with people. I was here 3 years ago, and I thought I did
pretty well - everybody was laughin' and having a good time. But then, they didn't bring me back for 3 years. So tonight, I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe
that'll bring me back next year...
Hey, check this joke out. If you want to talk to me after the show, I'll be... fuckin'... surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke.
"During that joke, Mitch points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the
CD will piss people off. "Hey, what do you think of that shirt? What the fuck, man? That's ridiculous" [audience laughs] "Goddamn, look at that haircut!
You're fuckin' nuts, dude!" Those people will not get the full experience.
[Mitch] Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right? [silence] Can you? [From crowd] YOU can! [Mitch] Well who the fuck am I? [lights pipe] Mitch Hedberg,
that's right.
(Part of the crowd started talking) [Mitch] What are you talking about over there? [Girl from crowd] It's funny! [Mitch] I don't need you to say 'It's funny',
I just need you to say 'ha ha ha'. (Mitch tells another joke) [Mitch] What did you think of that joke? [Girl from crowd] SPECTACULAR! [Mitch] Spectacular?
That's a big word. You fuckers are intelligent.
I like to close my eyes onstage, cuz I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids...
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Today we got here early, and we unloaded the truck... the stool and microphone stand... and we still had like five hours... so we re-loaded the truck, to
see if we could unload more efficiently... We got it down to two seconds.
I heard the last comic say you guys fuckin' rock I thought maybe you were all in a band or something... If you were it would be real fucking big. You make
the Polyphonic Spree look like a solo artist.
The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain...
waiting for my name.
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. "You might have seen this next comedian on the Late
Show", but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store" and people
would say "Hell yes I have!"
I whittled the list down today. These are the jokes I could think of today. Which mean they are the CD jokes. I might think of another one that won't be
on this list and I'll throw it in, in a moment of spontaneity, that you won't be able to detect. Because you won't notice it's not on the list. But I will
be proud of the spontaneity, and you'll see it in my... stride.
(Beginning of recording his second CD) See, this CD will be in stores. The only way to get my last CD in stores is if I would take one in and leave it.
They say "Sir, you forgot this." "No I did not! That is for sale! Please alphabetize it."
(co-headlining with Stephen Lynch) I gotta follow Stephen Lynch. That is a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too. Cause when I am done, I take
the microphone with me.
Fuck off ... Oops I'm sorry, that's rude, fuck back on!
I went to Ireland to tell jokes [Guy in Audience]: WOO HOO! [Mitch]: That's right, and thats why I left, 'cuz fuckers go "Woo hoo!" I can't take "Woo hoo"
anymore. And I'll be damned if they don't do it here too!
(Houston, Laff Stop in 2004) [Mitch approaches front-row crowd, who apparently aren't enjoying themselves to the expectations of Mr. Hedberg] "You fuckers
aren't laughing... Paid big money for front-row seats. Now, _I_ get to decide just how good these seats are... I could just be all like... [Mitch turns
around and walks backstage] "Fuck you!" [Still from backstage, we hear a thump and a disgruntled "Ow"] "This is experimental comedy right here... Allright.
[Mitch ventures back dragging a one-wheeled dolly behind him.] "Hey! Check it out! A One-Wheeled Dolly!.. [pause] I will sell you this dolly for... ten
dollars? No? Allright, time for the pipe joke... [Mitch pulls out his pipe and leans on the dolly.] Note: The rest of the show, the one-wheeled dolly was
used as an arm rest for Mitch.
I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this 'something tree'," so they had a meeting. It was
quite short. "How about 'Tree.'" "No." "'DoubleTree'?" "Hell YEAH! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'QuadrupleTree.' We were almost there!"
I met the girl that works at the DoubleTree front desk. She gave me her phone number; it's Zero. I tried to call her from here; some other woman answered.
I said, "You sound older."
I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need
to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... Shit!!... I need to read faster!"
I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read
the sign, punk!"
I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially
if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."
I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really
on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!"
Sometimes the hotel I stay at has a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything... expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I
always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, "Do
you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to
the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any
directions for those who are walking?
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause
I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob
on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing
around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."
I bought a house. It's a 2 bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are. Don't you? Fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has
a oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms,
are you aware? Don't decorate it!
In the South, they say y'all in the South. They take out the o and the u, so when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me.Hello,
can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... S'p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand me! I mean, I'm in the S'th, and I want some s'p! I stubbed my toe...
'ch!... I need to lay down on the c'ch... I need to get the f'ck 't of the S'th.
Relax, guys. Don't boo Chicago. It's just a city. Look, I'm sorry if some girl there screwed you over or an elevator took you to the wrong floor. I can't
control that shit.
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying
experience.
I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder
then!"
I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight.
If I'm ever here buying nine apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!"
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner.
It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone
owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!"
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make
it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing."
I wish I were a locksmith. I'd be pimping that shit out. I'd be all like, "Hey, I'll trade you a free key duplication for—" [laughs] ... That joke made
me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good, 'cause it doesn't have an ending.
Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.
Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it; he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Whoever invented sunglasses must have been the coolest motherfucker alive. Hey, what kind of glasses are those?
I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until
you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady
up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...
I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in
place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin'
shit!"
I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because
you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Damn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it
again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."
I saw some two dollar bills today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Someone's severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it's
worth eight. It still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two. Alright.
My snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag....
I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in
circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone
tells you that's wrong, say "no it ain't." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do
so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with
hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now,
you fucking X?"
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a
chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just
"Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.
I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive
for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not
an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever.
I don't know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don't see that little "E" on the dashboard, I'm fucked. But if that "E" is there, man, I
act all cocky. I'm like "I got this one under control!" Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet. I'd make a shitty auto mechanic. People would bring their
car in to me and say, "My car won't start." "Well maybe there's a killer after you!"
I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.'
I can whistle with my fingers too... especially if I have a whistle.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a lake, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Where are all the "during" photos? [audience does not respond] It refers to "before" and "after."
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger.
"Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify. ... (to audience
member) ...what, you don't get that one? Neither do I; I don't know why I do it. I just have this thing in me that won't let me drop it.
I have a sister named Wendy, and if you asked my sister if I was weird she'd probably say "Yeah." But that's fucked up because she's weird, because she
has a husband and two children, and they have a family portrait on their VCR where they are all looking slightly to the left. The camera is right in front
of you! But apparently, something happened just to the left -that made everybody happy. But my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One
eye is right the fuck on!
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and
I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold
of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough. Instead of 'hello,' I say STOP!!!"
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at
1-800-I-LOVE-BRAND-NEW-CARPETING." I like to spell it out til the bitter end, and if the lady's still on the other end, God bless her. (Alt: 1-800-I-REALLY-ENJOY-CARPETING.
It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why
they hired you.")
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,'
then you can yell 'Cut!'"
Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes
comfortable. I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Señor Scholl.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks.
Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying
to bring you down.
I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression
that the mustard stain came out.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how
I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said, "How many
of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the
thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do
not feel like a tree."
I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay."
A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later
we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.
Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now
it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby?
The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"
You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because
humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.
There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product."
Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw
water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"
This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated
payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will
not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!
I got a new car with satellite radio. After about thirty minutes I had to ask myself, "Shit, what should I buy?"
Hey, I did a radio interview for XM Radio. Nobody heard it, c'mon, who has XM Radio? (a few cheers) Hey, I'll be damned, it's growing in popularity. They
said, 'You can swear on XM Radio.' No shit, cuz nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods too.
I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell
me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having
fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water's only up to here. What should
I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet? I can't even drown my kneecaps!"
I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?"
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the
set.
I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to
use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act
like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad."
And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
Sometimes I get so pissed at my parents because they wanted to adopt. My sister could have been the love of my life, but now I'll never know.
I was gonna stay over at my friend's house. She says "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna
sleep on the wall!
I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't
have one." Wouldn't want to mess up the practice routine.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it
that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have
to insert a pause in there."
I knew a woman who was a good friend of mine, and she gave me a friendship card that said "a friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts." On the inside
were a bunch of quotes about friendship. Got me thinking that maybe I should quit stealing money out of her purse. But I couldn't, because her birthday
was fast approaching.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are
you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?
My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I
mess up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long.
I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate
'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit."
Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor."
If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're
going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun,
we had rented a limo, so I messed up.
I live in New York, and I got a roommate to save money, but see, I messed up, cause I'm 31 and I'm too old for a roommate. I signed a year lease too. I
messed up severely. It's as though I wrote a bad joke and now I gotta tell it for a year.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta
be smart to notice it.
I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl,
not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up!
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're
cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you're not ugly.
When I'm off-stage I'm very quiet; I don't say very much. But I hang around people who just talk non-stop, just talk talk talk talk talk. I can't get a
word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something stupid like, "Hey, man, you want some taffy?"
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary
of you asking me this question."
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more
dice. Four billion divided by six. At least."
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound
of my addiction.
Russians take shit too far. Roulette is fun and all, but no, those Russians had to take it one step further. How do you come up with a game like that anyways?
Whatever they do, they do it with intensity. Who was in space first? I rest my case.
I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if
there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the
least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know
if I have won!
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won
and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"
Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it,
for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus." One
of those two doesn't sound right.
My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely
fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see.
Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.
If you drink O'Doul's, you're not drinking. But if you drink 20 O'Doul's in a half hour, you're a fuckin' non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too;
and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.
Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot
like car horns...
This is gunna blow my cover but I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs
to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, "Mitch, where's the drugs?" I just say, "Call the 1-800 number." Your drugs were loaded onto a van
at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.
To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely
worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
I was in Ireland. I got to drink absinthe in Ireland. Absinthe is a liquor that they outlaw. It's supposed to make you trip hallucinogenically. So I got
excited because I like to hallucinate. So I started drinking lots of shots of it. But really it's just a liquor, so really I was just getting fucked up.
I wasn't even remotely tripping. After 10 shots, I fell to the ground. I was trying to force the trip. "Why is the floor as low as I can go?" I was just
faking it, you know.
The club owner here, when he comes to town, he'll hook you up with drugs. He'll give you cocaine and pot brownies. But last time I was in town, he gave
me a drug for Attention Deficit Disorder. Because he's afflicted. But I'm not. So what happened to me is suddenly I had an extra long attention span. People
would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I would get all mad and shit. "Come on, man. There's got to be more to that story. I'm on pills
here."
I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
These lights are pretty bright, kinda makes me wanna grow weed again.
I was in a movie recently. I had a small cameo with Peter Frampton. We had to smoke fake pot in our scene. Do not buy pot on a movie set! But yeah, for
this scene I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smokin' real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton.
And I done that waaaaaay more.
Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!
When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority
figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent
forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."
I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know
the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit! ... That's actually kinda gross. After I
tell that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I assume it's the average amount. If we all did a
tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're
a new race, we will prevail!
I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck that. I'll just get a tan instead."
My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer
first.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave... too."
I booked myself at Las Vegas, in a casino, the Riviera Hotel, that has a comedy club. There were 4 comedians on the bill and we all had similar hair because
we were all using the Riviera in-house shampoo. So we all have equal shine and bounce. It was a 2-in-1 shampoo and 2-in-1 is a bullshit term because 1
isn't big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...
I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from
one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body
and I didn't even care.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
I can't floss my teeth, man. I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke say, "Man, you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking." Yes, I do—it's
as hard as it is to start flossing... "You seem jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss!"
Man, I hate flossing. I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't need to make seperations for me.
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call 'em cavities, I like to call 'em places to put stuff! 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some
locations available'.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print
up some flyers!"
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know,
your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Hey! Get your priorities crooked.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to
load shit into a truck.
I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but
once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far
away!"
I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "Excuse me" he said, "Move." I thought
that was rude so I said, "Go to hell," then I started to run. He caught me, though. He had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a lip ring, two
eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man,
you have a lot of... cranial accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a
lot of shit on your head!"
I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too'
-- I don't get it!"
When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the
line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!
If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.
If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been
misunderstood for years."
You know when you have medication that makes you drowsy they print the warning label "do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this medication."
The way I feel do not operate heavy machinery EVER. Its fuckin' heavy. Just put it down and back the fuck up. Operate some light machinery, like a stapler.
Put the forklift away.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this
away."
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, ya know? There I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know, I have to
build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want to dream of me watching myself sleep.
If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. "12, I know I saw you with 13." "No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 about
that shit." "What do you have to say, 14?" "Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, shit."
Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your
name?" "BOB" "Get the fuck away!"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?"
"All-encompassingly."
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What
time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere."
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here,
Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. Weeee." That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.
I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore; I get the
roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me."
I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting résumé. Before that my acting résumé was sparse; it was all bullshit. It was like, "When I'm playing
pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition and I acted like I didn't care."
I got into comedy to do comedy, which is weird, I know. But when you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides
comedy. They say, "Alright, you're a standup comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy
but not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, "Alright, you're a cook...
Can you farm?"
I never joined the army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting
my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. "At ease" was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I dressed up for the CD.
Do you believe in gosh?
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary, It did not need to exist... It was pure Danger.
Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, fuck it, this song is funky..."
In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of...
a sticker.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd
too if I stood in everyone's way.
I get a cold sore. I hate to say it, Minnesota, but in a cold sore I put Carmex on it 'cause Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dunno if it does
help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It's like cold sore highlighter! Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
I fuckin' hate arrows, man. It's like, "Fuck you. I'm not going that way .... line... with two thirds...of a triangle on the end." Could you imagine being
killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck. An arrow killed you. They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy.... Let's go that way."
I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like if I'm at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you
like?" "Uhhh... Itsaboys."
See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot
dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you
get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams
is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.
That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I hate spelling words with double letters, because I never know when I'm suppossedd to stutter on purpose.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes. But these were reposessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those
would be hard to sneak away. *Knock knock knock* "Hi, could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for a half an hour?"
If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they
call me 'a guy that likes to boat'.
I walked by a spy shop; you know those places that sell surveillance equipment. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think ‘I need to put some surveillance
on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that
looks like a Spray and Wash can; that would create better situations. ‘Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash?’ – ‘Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt
with documents!’
I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you
back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.'
If something is 1.0, you don't need to say, 'point oh.'
It would be cool if you lived with a monster. You would never get hiccups.
I like the way this [venue] is situated. It seems like you were chasing me, closing in, and then said, "Fuck it. Let's sit down."
There's this headliner says I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a sitcom and a haaaaalf! For Christ's sake. I never seen a show and said, "I wanna see
that character for fifteen more minutes." So I know you're sick of me, and I'm sick of myself. It's a long time to stand up here and say, "Listen to me,
fuck haha! Don't talk or you'll get kicked the fuck out!"
"I always wanted to rob a bank with a BB gun. 'Give me the money or i will give you a dimple! I will be rich you will be cute!"
You should never compliment someone on their dimple, because what if they got shot in the face with a BB gun?

For all you Stern fans out there

2006-07-14T07:48:00.000-04:00

For all you Stern fans out there, I've transcribed one of my favorite ditties. Its a spoof of "Dancing Queen" by Aba, and is about Artie Lange's love for the vending machine. Props to Dan The Song Parody Man for creating this."Artie loves the vending machine, cookies, candy, and cupcakes filled with cream. Vending machine, three times aday, is part of his rootine, oh yeah. The vending men are pissed again, 'cause Artie whiped it out clean, oooooooooooooooooo... there he goes, that big fat load, off to the vending machine."

Religion Down my throat

2006-07-13T12:40:00.000-04:00

I was at the movies this passed Monday night, when a man came up to me and asked if he could pray for my blindness. He asked my Dad if he could pray for me, to which he said "Ask my son", to which he asked me the question "Can I pray for your blindness?" I replied "No, thanks anyway". I have no problem with your choice of religion, but you don't pray for someone in a crowded movie theater.